A friend is someone who hates the same people you do

I want to talk about friendship. Sometimes I think I don't have many friends. I used to consider a friend someone you hang out with all the time. If that was what a friend was I wouldn't have any. Well I have my wife, who is my best friend, but not to many people I get together with. But now I think I know what a friend really is. A friend is someone who will come to your aid even if you haven't spoken in months. A friend is on who trusts you unflinchingly. I have many friends. In the fellowship and out. So to all of those oout there that care for me I want you to know that I care for you too. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked"

Bernard Meltzer

Public Practice

Walk the talk. That is something I have just started to learn. It is so easy to be a good person in groups of people that are trying to be better people, but what about when we are out with the rest of the world? It is funny how people ask me for advice. I think to my self that they must not know who I am. I am the man who stays out all night without calling, the man who sleeps in parks, the man who makes the shittiest decisions. Then I realize that I am not that man anymore. It is amazing how far treating everyone like you want to be treated wil get you. It all starts with being of service. When I make myself available to others great things happen.

 

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."

Alex Karras

Just Show Up

Well I skipped a day. I'm allowed because I make the rules. On my blog anyway. As for all the other rules my wife would tell you I don't run shit. So yesterday….35…getting older. Had one of the greatest days I've ever had. Low stress, lots of love and hassle free. Started the day taking my little girl to see the new "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie. You might be asking why I took my daughter to a movie on my birthday. The reason was that all I wanted for by birthday was to see all my girls and my little boy smile. Sure I want some material stuff but what I wanted more than anything was to see my favorite people happy. After the movie it was off to the merry go round at the mall. Nothing makes a four year old girl grin more than going up and down an a pony going in circles.

Make daughter smile - Check
After eating a quick lunch we dropped off the Princess and headed to the hospital to see my Big Man. He has been getting his daily bottle at 2. We were there for awhile with the PT nurse as we were feeding him. He is getting so big. Well big for a baby who was born 8 weeks early. As we were feeding him he gave me a few smiles. It was great. His eyes even close a little when he smiles big just like his daddy and sister.

See son smile - Check

We went back home for awhile and I took a walk. Just me and my thoughts. It was nice. It has become important for me to be alone sometimes. One of the hardest things for me to do is spend time with myself. I'm not talking about isolating. Just enjoying my own company. I used to always have to be around people. Had to be a part of the crowd. The irony is that I never felt more alone than when I was with a group of people. I think that is why I have a "thing" about being around to many people now. Sometimes I just feel crowded. Almost claustrophobic. So the walk was very nice.

Alone time - Check

We headed up to the Tram at about 4:30. It was nice, but it was too dark to see anything through the tinted windows. When we got to the top we had some coffee than headed back down. We made it to the restaurant at 7 where we met up with my sister and her girlfriend. The four of us had a very good time. I had an Antelope steak that was EFFIN PHENOMINAL!!! Good food, good time and great company.

Saw my girls grin -Check

After dinner we were planning on going to see "Avatar" but we had some time to waste so we went on a quest for dessert. No where sells cake. Well not the four places we stopped. At this point if we were to keep looking for cake we would have missed our movie. So we just headed to the theater. When we got there my sister and her girlfriend decided to join us. "Avatar" was an amazing movie. James Camron really reinvented cinema with this on. Visually stunning and imaginative. The movie lasted 2 ouhrs and 42 minutes. Best $10 dollars ive spent at the movies in years. We headed home very exhausted from a long day. And my wife was very happy that I had a great day.

Made wife smile -Check

Well I think the reason it was such a wonderful day was because I was there. I was present. I showed up. I seem to do so good when I make the effort to JUST SHOW UP. 'Nite Y'all.

"Hope begins in the dark; the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing,

the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."
 Anne Lamott

 

If everyone commits to giving me $5 for my birthday I could buy my new phone

So tomorrow, Monday December 28^th, I will celebrate 35 years on this earth. The song "Seasons of Love" asks "How do you measure, measure a year?" My question – How do you measure 35? I have seen more than most in my life time. I have witnessed lives coming in to and leaving this world. I have actually seen a kid smoking weed get hit and floored by the mirror of a "short bus" and land on a girl throwing up at the bus stop before school. I have seen a sunset with my wife and a bottle of wine on the beach and a sunrise alone in unknown locations. I've given my phone number to a girl on a hundred dollar bill and been homeless and sleeping on top of Denny's without even a penny in my pocket. I have been loved by many and hated by more. I have climbed out of hell into a life that I wouldn't trade for anything. I guess we are just the sum of our experiences. I wish I had the time to sit here and recount all that I have seen. I am looking forward to going into this next 525,600 minutes with my wife, my daughter and the newest addition to our family. Think I am going to take a day off from writing tomorrow so that I can really enjoy my presence and presents. Before I go I just want to say thank you to my Mother and Father who made it possible for me to have the life I had (in so many ways) 'Nite Y'all

 

"Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had,

and what you've learned from them,

and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated."

Unknown

How to get everything you want

I remember talking about all the stuff that I wanted when I was younger. The houses, the cars, the jewlry and the women. I wanted it all. I thought I was going to be successful, famous and respected. The think was I never worked at getting any of it and I still was upset that I didn't get any of it. I thought the world owed me something. Shit, I thought the world owed me everything I wanted. Instead all I got was what I deserved-nothing. Now I have rethought what success means to me and I have become more successful that I ever imagined I could be. i now am husband to a wonderful woman, father to two amazing kids, a loyal friend and a citizen of the world. 'Nite Y'all.

 

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Dale Carnegie 

Remembering to Breathe

All day I have felt like I didn't have enough time. It is X-Mas day and I am currently at the wife's family party/dinner. There are few places/occasions where I feel comfortable around a lot of people. By "a lot" I mean more than 6. There was a point just a while ago that I just started feeling real uncomfortable. It just started getting really loud and people were talking to me and at me and I just started feeling way overwhelmed. So tonight I am gonna try to chronicle this event.
4:51pm- just got done trying to make/save the gravy. I started projecting a conversation. It won't happen but I keep envisioning myself cussing someone out and storming out of the house.
5:37pm- well the last half hour went great. Everyone was eating and now everyone is full so it's not as hectic. Food was good. Just heard someone say "you need to learn to be disappointed early in life." I think it is stuff like that that starts to annoy me a little. I think you should tell kids to shoot for the stars and if they don't succeed you help them deal with the disappointment then help them to try again.
6:16pm- just had a very uneventful "white elephant" gift exchange. It was boring. But I got a sandwich maker so.......Score! Now getting ready to play board games. Let's hope it doesn't end up being "bored" games.
5:47pm- Screaming little girl. Her dad smacked her in the face with a koosh ball. She goes ballistic and dad tries to comfort her and she goes full tilt boogie kicking and screaming. Chaos.
7:37pm- played Guesstures. It was actually pretty fun. After the game everyone started packing up to go home. Then out of nowhere every child started screaming and it made me kinda freak out. But now it's over and we are headed home. This year went better than last year but thinking of next year still fills me with anxiety. 'Nite Y'all.

"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope."

Alexandre Dumas Père

What is Christmas all abiut?

X-Mas Hustle

Getting ready for a busy two days. Christmas time seems a little more stressful than it should be. We have so much to do on a day when we should be able to just chill. Then there is the family part of it. My wife's whole family gets together. We are talking like 20 people. My family never got together unless it was the fourth of July or when someone died. Her family gets together because it's Tuesday. And with everything going on I feel like we have to make time to see my son. Well now I got all of the bitching out of my system. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." Oren Arnold

FEAR-False Evidence Apearing Real

Sitting here watching my son sleep. So peaceful. It is pretty quiet in the NICU right now. Which is giving a chance to just think about what is going on. Getting inside my head can be a double edged sword. If I don't focus on positive thoughts I can easily slip into the "What Ifs" I will start to predict the future which I have never done accuratly. When I start to try to see the future I usually only see bad things that are pretty much never gonna happen. But right now I am just contemplating some of the feelings I am having. I feel so blessed to have him in my life but at the same time if helpless and scared. Fear is high on the list. The reason for any intensive care unit is becuase there could be problem. Everything is just so back and forth. Problem A is looking great but problem B is looking bad. Then A goes down and B comes up. It all just seems so inconsistant. It just makes me feel powerless.

ODAAT

I was reminded today how sick I still am. It sucks sometimes having this disease that tells me I don't have a disease. But I am also getting better every day. As long as I stay aware and in the moment I can recognize these adverse feelings. I must remember that I can't do this alone and that there is a solution.

 

"No one among us has been able to maintain like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints."

How it works

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Well I did it. I made it a month. I blogged every day. 42 posts in 30 days. And I had fun. So I am gonna set a goal now. I am going to blog every day for the next 315 days or until I hit 365 posts. One year. Yup! I'm saying it now. If I do not succeed than….well I don't know. Ideas?

Well today was a damn good day. It started with lots of fun and games with the little girl. Tickling, running, hiding and some stuff she wanted to do too. We had lots of fun. Today at work was one of those perfect days. Didn't have to work my ass off, all my tables were very nice and I made decent money. After work I went and spent some time with my son. I hung out there a while talking to him. After the visit with the boy my wife and I went to dinner. Great company, great conversation and ok food. Then we went and saw "The Blind Side". Great movie. Made me really see how blessed I am. There are some many people out there who have nothing and no one. I may not know how I'm going to pay rent next month but we are going to be ok. That's more than some people can say. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."

Unknown

Fortitude

Sorry about yesterday but when the day ended I had zero energy. Had a long couple days. Yesterday I got up at 6:30 am so I could head down and see my son. Let the wife and daughter sleep in. had fun just talking and reading to him. He is doing so good. Getting stronger. It is hard to see him with all the tubes and wires but I know he is in good hands. Later that morning went to see my daughter's Christmas performance. It was very cute. We had a lot of funny. More importantly she had a lot of fun. After the show we went home for awhile. Then we were off to a Christmas party that the hospital put together for the families of all the little ones in the NICU. It was great. We are so lucky to have so many doctors and nurses that care so much. Or son's doctor even dressed up as Santa for the Kids. Then I was off to work where I had a long night.

Today I woke up too early for having gone to bed so late. Had to help the little sister move. That kicked my ass so bad. And I had to work after. That kicked my ass so bad that I am icing my knees right now. My knees also hurt because I fell out of the moving van. I missed a side step and kind of tumbled out. I also mis-stepped and fell of the mechanical lift. When that happened I twisted one knee and an ankle and landed on my other. knee. All of that made for a pleasant evening at work. Which I get to do again in the morning but I will also have sore muscles and back pain. My sister and her girlfriend are lucky I love them or else I would have just told them to go Eff themselves. Which I almost did a few times. I get kind of cranky when I'm tired and in pain. Sorry girls if I was kind of an A-hole today. Love you ;-)

Lastly ii just want to say again how lucky I am to have my wife in my life. I am looking forward to growing old with her. I want to be that old couple that everyone says is so cute. She's great. 'Nite Y'all.

 

Long day and too much to say

Very tired tonight. Have a lot on my mind, but too tired. I'll post tomorrow. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"I'm so tired, but I can't sleep...standing on the edge of something much too deep...funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word."

Sarah McLachlan quotes

What am I thinking about YOU

So I have this thing I do. Basically, before some situations, I imagine the way a particular conversation will go. It is never- this person is gonna say "you look great today. You are great to be around". It is always the worst possible conversation I imagine. And I play out the whole thing from the negative first words to the big blow up finally where I tell everyone to go to hell and storm out of the room. Then by the time I am actually in the situation I am in a shitty mood. I am sitting there glaring at someone thinking to myself "I can't believe they would say something like that. Eff them, those Effin Effs" when none of what I imagine ever happened. Think I need to start meditating more. 4 questions. Got to remember the 4 questions. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Avoid destructive thinking. Improper negative thoughts sink people.

A ship can sail around the world many, many times, but just let enough water get into the ship and it will sink. Just so with the human mind.

Let enough negative thoughts or improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person sinks just like a ship."

Alfred A. Montapert

Life version 2.0

Been thinking a lot about how much my life has changed. I know that this is what my blog is about but I can't help but reflect. So as I mentioned before I am currently enrolled in school. That last time I was in school was in 1994 when I graduated from high school. That was 15 years ago. I know for a lot of people they were expected to go to college. That was expected of them. That wasn't so for me. Education wasn't really stressed when I was growing up. Not by parents anyway. Well I just finished my first term. At times it got difficult but I studied and put in the work. It paid off. I finished my first term with a 4.0. I have never gotton all As.the last time I remember getting anything above a B was in 7^th grade. I am very proud of myself. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write,

but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."

ALVIN TOFFLER

 

 

Nosocomephobia

Today was quiet. Not like boring quiet or sound quiet. Today was mind quiet. I had no worries or negative thoughts. Serenity. Calm.

I spent some one on one time with my son today. It was nice just to sit there with him. It is hard for me to be there sometimes. I don't really like hospitals. They freak me out. Kind like some people are scared of clowns or crowds. That's me and hospitals. I am only in them if I have to be. My son is a great reason, as is my wife. Not sure where this fear came from. I think it is a combination of things. First id say is the smell. That too cleans antiseptic smell. Just got the chills thinking about it. Second are the germs. I know its kinda counter intuitive because of the cleanliness, but the first place really sick people go is to the hospital. Third is……people die in hospitals. I know that "Death" itself isn't contagious but still……dead people. I can hear my dad in my head saying "don't know why you're scared of dead people. It's not like they can do anything to you". But to spend some time with my wife or son makes it bearable. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so.

For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind"

Dale Carnegie

Drink a little Lemonade and not so many Beers

Today someone said it sounded like I was doing some soul searching. My reply was that I had found my soul, and now I was just trying to get rid of the emptiness so that it would fit. It is funny how emptiness can take up so much room inside of a person. It feels nice to have some of that emptiness lifted. I have started replacing it with gratitude and humility. I have so many blessings in my life today. I have been overwhelmed by the blessings in my life lately. I've just turned into a big ole baby. Heard a song earlier that made me a little teary eyed. The song was "My Next Thirty Years" by Tim McGraw. When I turned thirty I played this song over and over and over and over and… well you get it. Seems like even then I knew I needed a change in my life. Too bad it took me two more years to start making that change. I included the song. 'Nite Y'all.


 

Sleep eludes me

Well I went to bed at 11pm and here it is 12:50am and I am nowhere close to tired. Have just so much stuff swimming around in my head. Can't stop thinking about my son, my wife, my daughter, my life. Thinking about all of the stuff I've been through. I have lived a pretty crazy life. So many highs and lows that my valleys have some pretty high peaks and my peaks have some crazy low valleys. It is kind of amazing how much the human body and mind can endure. I have been to the most sordid horrible parts of hell and there have been times that I feel I was looking in God's eyes. Life is……………. Well yeah…..Life just IS. In the past few days I have seen both ends of life. My son was born on Saturday morning then 7 hours later I saw my 96 year old Grandmother who is taking what might soon be the last breaths she'll ever take. It really is fleeting, all of this. Our time here is short. Whether you live until you're 9 or until you're 90. There really is no day but today. I have found it very important to live in the moment. To really be aware of what's going on. Not only around me but in my head as well. I have to constantly ask myself if I am in the moment or just reacting to it. Well I'm gonna share a piece I wrote with y'all. If you get a chance I'd love to hear your thoughts on life.

No day but today

to stand and be counted

to count

To mean something

Be something

More than a know nothing

A stand up and show something

Show my worth so my time on Earth is not wasted

That there was a reason for my birth

So in my death I will have left a mark

"There's only us. There's only this. Forget regrets. Or life is yours to miss."

If you live in regret

You are throwing away laughs

And smiles

And hugs

Might have been a drinker

Might have used drugs

But what did you learn?

Did you learn the score?

So that now you yearn for more

Than you did before

Can you now open a door to a future that's bright

Can you shine like the Star you are?

                    Van Overton 2009

  

All about love for a child

Sitting here telling my daughter all about her baby brother. She's pretty ambivalent about it all. Not sure if she really knows what's going on. It's not real for her yet. The pictures we show her could be of anyone. Oh well.

Well my son is doing great. He is almost doing everything by himself. Which is good, seeing as it has been less than 48 hours. Wifey got to change his diaper tonight. She was pretty excited about that. Maybe I will get to tomorrow.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. I had an interesting childhood. I was born here in Albuquerque to a mother who is sick and a father who had his own issues. My mother isn't ill, per se, just has issues. I have early memories that are fantastic. Christmas growing up was always great. Toys, a tree, and handmade ornaments my mother had made before I was born, and the best part of every Christmas was listening to "The Jackson Five Christmas" album. When I say album I mean just that. A 12 inch black vinyl disk with groves in it that played music. Whenever I try to think of good memories from childhood these are usually the ones that come up. Times didn't get really bad until my parents got divorced. Everything started to collapse after that. There was a lot of angst and resentments back then. I had a bit of the clichéd "parents split because of me" type thoughts. After that, though, my father was great. He really took the time to make sure we knew that he and or mom loved us and it wasn't our fault. Our mom on the other hand became very withdrawn. In our moms house we saw a lot of things we probably shouldn't have. In a lot of way I feel like I had to grow up faster than I should have. Here I go with the "coulda, woulda, shouldas". The important thing I am trying to say here is that every day of my life I am going to show my wife, my daughter and my son how much I love them and how important they are to me.


Sorry that was so scattered. 'Nite Y'all.

"What about taking this empty cup and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence.

I haven't had enough. it's probably because when you're young it's ok to be easily ignored.

I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child"

Jason Mraz

My Son Connor

My son was born today. He is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. He is small and fragile. I have forgotten how completely dependent on others babies are. So many thoughts going through my head. I am feeling so much. And that is really the miracle of all of this. I am feeling. When my daughter was born I was so deep into my self-medicating that I don't remember a lot of the details. And for that I am truly sorry. But this time I am feeling everything. The joy, anxiety, fear and frustration. I truly am blessed to have the family I have. I am truly the richest man in the world even if I only have $20 to my name.

 

"Before you go to sleep, 
Say a little prayer, 
Every day in every way, 
It's getting better and better, 

Beautiful, 
Beautiful, beautiful, 
Beautiful Boy"

John Lennon

YATTA (yah-tah)

I Did It!!! I finished my first term of school. This is a huge accomplishment for me. This is one of the first things I have finished in a long time. I have never been good with follow through. It took me 15 years to go back to school. I know it might sound selfish but I am very proud of myself. Best of all, I am excited for the next term. Granted, I did have pretty easy classes this term, and they are just gonna get harder. Still…..I made it. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment."    

- Thomas Carlyle

The world is amazing and nobody cares

So tonight I have to talk about technology. The other day I'm sitting outside of work smoking and a fellow co-worker asks me if I had heard about "phone as router". I had heard about phone as modem but hadn't heard of using my phone as a "hotspot. Well tonight I got curious and looked it up. Well now I am currently using my phone as a wifi signal. I have a 100% signal. And it is fast. It is amazing. I am thinking about dropping the $30 after my free trial ends. The world we are living in is truly amazing. We are able to talk to people anywhere in the world. Think about how much music it was physically possible to transport with you when you went for a walk. In order to match our hard drive capacities 20 years ago we would have to carry a back pack and flip the tape over every 30-60 minutes. I won't even mention different artists on different tapes. I just cant wait to see what's next. 'Nite Y'all.

In Response To…..

so really-- Elizabeth Lambert from UNM's soccer team was number ten on Time Magizine's top 10 pariahs? So what they are saying is that my 4 year old duaghter and her classmates are as bad as those who beat women, rob people of all their money and pedophiles. Really people come on. Is hair pulling really that bad? This world and most of the people in it are crazy some times. Check out my little sister's blog 
 click here---->"In Response To…"

DreaM

Today was an okay day. I was pretty tired today. Haven't been sleeping well because my wife isn't here. We've been apart longer than a week once before, but there wasn't all the worry that comes along with this absence. I have a very bad headache because I slammed my head on a brick wall. No I did not do it on purpose. And all it did was make me more frustrated with life. Why does so much have to happen at once? I just wish my wife was here. As much as I made her think I didn't need her help she is truly my barometer. She gives me perspective on all of my Effed up thoughts. She lets me walk around with my head in the clouds, but she tethers me to the ground. She can look at me like I'm an idiot without pissing me off. I miss her so much even though I see her every day. It's not the same as waking up next to her or giving her a hug whever I feel like it or having her touch my hand when we are watching T.V. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.  "

Arnold H. Glasgow

Thanx E-Mack

"Deep peace of the running wave to you. Deep peace of the flowing air to you. Deep peace of the quiet earth to you. Deep peace of the shining stars to you. Deep peace of the infinite peace to you." Deep peace is what I need. My mind is pretty tumultuous right now. I have had so much going on that I have found myself isolating. "Fear of People, Places and Things" has me going crazy. The only place I feel comfortable is with my wife and hospitals upset me. So what do I do? Well I am starting by surrounding myself with people who care about me. Whether I want to be around them or not doesn't matter. It is what I need.

Life happens

Not feeling up to writing tonight. Life was a little overwhelming today. Hope you had a good day.

 

"Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it."
Lou Holtz

My Punk Butt

So my daughter has this unwritten rule, I think, that whenever either my wife or myself are not at home for the night she gets to sleep in our bed. There is usually no discussion about this. When it's time for bed and a parent is absent the bed becomes half hers. I use the word half figuratively, because see takes up more room then the morbidly obese people on those health channel shows. You would be amazed at how much room a skinny little four year old can takes up. With all the stuff that is going on right now with our family I am astounded by her level of compassion. Today has been a hard day for me, granted my wife is dealing with the majority of it, but today I had my breakdown. All at once I got really scared. Overwhelmingly scared. I was scared of not knowing. I didn't try to project into the future and wasn't thinking negative thoughts. I just couldn't stand NOT KNOWING. Well, when my daughter got home she was being very sweet. Hugged me a few times for no reason, turn her head half way to look at me and give me this little smile. She is really gonna be a wonderful big sister and before I know it, an amazing woman.

 

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." 

John W. Whitehead

Olive Juice

So back in January of 2001 I met this woman. She was a server at the Bennigan's I worked at. She transferred down from Las Cruces to the Louisiana Benny's. I walked in and saw a butt I hadn't seen before. She turned around and I saw the eyes that would forever change my life. Two days later I had my first kiss with this woman. That was the night my heart learned to sing. We hung out quite a bit after that night. Our first real date was at Club R&B. I had planned on reading some poetry that night for her to hear, but never got called up. So we went to the duck pond at UNM and I read for her. Unfortunately I had a pretty bad case of the hiccups. It's kinda hard to be serious and profound when there is a "hic" every three words. We continued to date, and after two weeks I knew this was gonna be the woman I married. I remember developing feelings for her very quickly. So quick that I wanted to tell her I loved her, but felt it was too soon so I just said "elephant shoes" because when you mouth the words it looks like "I love you". Soon we moved in together. Shortly after this my father died. She was there for me through, what I thought then, was the most difficult period in my life. Turns out that the most difficult time in my life was ages 11-32. Over the next 6-7 years we would experience some of the greatest times two people could have. And some of the worst times. I married this woman in 2003. Wonderful wedding with family, friends and a little bit of wind. Two years later our daughter was born. We were living in the bay area. We both had great jobs. We took impromptu trips to the beach or San Francisco. Times were good, except when they weren't. I was anything but a desirable husband. I was a drinker. Now when I say drinker I don't mean like go out on the weekends and party. I mean drink heavily every day all day. I would disappear and not call. And come home to a crying wife. This went on most of our entire lives together. I was the worst kind of person. There were so many times that she threatened to leave me. Finally, due to situations involving police, jail and judges I saw a tiny sliver of light slip into the darkness of my world. That light continues to get brighter every day. And the brighter it gets the more saddened I become thinking about how awful I was to the one woman who always saw the best in me, even in the worst of times. I don't think I could ever apologize enough. But I am going to try. Every day for the rest of my life I am gonna let her know that without her I could never be my best. Without her I am nothing. I LOVE YOU, A.M.O.

'Nite Y'all.

 

"My best chosen friend, companion, guide, to walk through life, linked hand-in-hand, two equal, loving friends, true husband and true wife."
Sir Charles Gavan Duffy

You should say hi to a stranger

Life comes fast. Don't blink. Might miss it. Sometimes you don't miss shit. Sometimes you have to sit and watch it unfold in super slow motion. One thing that has come out of this whole thing is that I have found a lot of people offer to help. It's nice to know that there are people who care. The support that has been given and offered is amazing. I feel truly blessed to have so many friends who care. I now consider some people friends now instead of just co-workers or acquaintances. You know, I think that is part of the answer to the great question of life. Connecting. Making yourself available to others. Trusting in the good of people. Reserving judgment as much as you can. I used to be against connecting. I would go out of my way to avoid people who could care less if I said hi. There was this one day. This was after I started my transformation into the man I am today. I was on a bus coming home from downtown and the bus was empty aside from me, the driver, and a guy sitting way in the back. On walks this guy. Of all the seats on the bus he decides to sit in the seat right next to me. I start to get all frustrated. Thinking "what the eff is this guy doin?" but before I get to upset I turn to him and say hi. Because I chose to engage in a conversation with a stranger I met someone who was very nice. That's what this world needs more of. Conversations with strangers. It doesn't take much just a hello can change someone's day. We try so hard to shut ourselves off from others. Some of us alienate people by trying too hard to fit in. There is a group of people who try to gain acceptance by buy the latest, greatest iPod to become part of a group. Next thing you know they are plugging ear buds into their ears and cutting off the people they were trying to clique with. Well I guess that is enough rambling for tonight. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another - and ourselves". 

Jack Kornfield

Po’ umm

Today was another rollercoaster day. Wife was supposed to get out of the hospital today, but there was a little bleeding so now she is here until Monday with the possibility of having to stay until the baby comes. Just imagine having to stay in a hospital for 4 weeks. We will make the best of it if it comes to that. Went to a Black Student Union open mic/meeting tonight. Not a whole lot of people showed up but it was nice to connect with some people and release some of my tension. I really enjoy sharing my poetry. It allows me to be open and honest and vulnerable. I have all ways loved to write. Writing is where there is no judgment. Just me a pen and some paper and I can do anything I want. Its just like reading but I control the character. It is the one place that everything happens the way it should. Well as you can tell I was kinda reaching for some thing to write tonight. Sorry if I bored you. 'Nite Y'all.

 

A poet's autobiography is his poetry. Anything else is just a footnote. 
Yevgeny Yevtushenko 

We are so rich, and so day we'll have money too.

It has been a long day. A long two days. In the past 48 hours I have felt so many feelings and emotions. Fear, happiness, anxiety, frustration, anger, love. I must never forget to be grateful and appreciate all of the gifts that I have in my life. My family might be going through a tough time emotionally as well as financially but we still have each other. I have the most wonderful life I could ever ask for. A life which I have almost thrown away on many occasions. There are a lot of families out there that are struggling. Reach out to them. Just call and say hi. Let them know that you are thinking about them. That could mean more than money sometimes. We could all use support in our lives. More love in this world couldn't hurt. 'Nite Y'all.

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

Tom Bodett

Thank You All

Well everything is okay with the wife and baby. Thank you to all of those that sent their thoughts and prayers our way. It looks like there might be a chance that my son will be here sooner than planned. It isn't exactly what we wanted, but everything will be fine. We are currently in our 30^th week and we were told the Connor will more than likely be here in the 34^th week. My wife and I are dealing with a little fear and anxiety over this pregnancy. We lost a baby early this year and those thoughts keep creeping up. Everytime we go to see a doctor or get an ultrasound there is this hush that falls and we are holding our breath till we hear the heartbeat. It's a little easier now the he moves around so much. Still the fear sets in. I know It doesn't help to think this way but sometimes I feel like this shouldn't be happening to ME. Ive done so much tochange my life. I do everything right and Effed up stuff happens. I guess I just have to remember that everything "is what it is". I need to accept things for what they are. His will, Not Mine.

 

"Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future."

Fulton Oursler

We could use your positive thoughts

So this afternoon my wife was admitted to the hospital because of complications with the pregnancy. The baby is fine. He is still moving around tormenting his mother. Unfortunately my wife might have to stay here in the hospital for weeks (worse case scenario). This will be tough on many levels. The hardest being that she won't be able to see our daughter. Kids under 18 aren't allowed in the hospital because of this damn H1N1. So thanks for your time and positive energy. 'Nite Y'all.

I could use a quote. Got any?

Heal the World Make It A Better Place for You and For Me and the Entire Human Race

So I was noticing the amount of blog posts that have nothing to do with helping the world/doing good things. Well after some thought I have realized that in a way anything I write is helping the world. My reasoning is that anything I write helps me better myself and how I react to the world. Through all of this I pass on what I have learned to others, namely my children and that's really what it's all about. Make this a better world for them and helping them to see how wonderful this world can be when it wants to be. There are some great things about people working to help others. In recent times I have devoted myself to helping others in any way I can. And when I help others I get outside of myself, and that keeps me thinking clearly. I know I ramble a lot and I'm sorry about that. I just have so much to say that sometimes stuff just gets jumbled up inside. Thank you to those that put up with me and thank you to my regular readers. At least I know the stuff I write is being read by someone.

 

"In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe."

Michael Jackson

Lovin the Ladies

So tonight by request I will be talking about the wonderfulness of women.

At one point I thought my wife was pregnant this time with a girl, because I was prepared to be surrounded by women for the rest of my life.

Living with women is something that I've gotten used to over my 34 years on this planet. I lived with just my mother and sister growing up. Granted I did see my father, but my mother had custody of my sister and i. latter I lived with my aunt and two female cousins. Later I lived with my grandmother. My G-Ma is, in my eyes, the greatest woman I have ever met. She is the strongest most secure woman I have ever known. And now I live with my wife and daughter. So I have officially lived with women aged 1-95.

During a certain period of my life I thought I was an expert on women. I was the worst kind of man. The kind of man that I am afraid for my daughter to meet. Turns out I was just looking for a connection with someone but my definition of "connection was pretty skewed.

My father told me once that "there is something beautiful about all women. You just have to look for it." I believe him. Every woman I have ever met is beautiful in their own way. The one thing that sucks about that is some women know it and use it.

Well I know I was all over the place and I apologize. But for anyone who knows a woman knows the futility in tried to define them all. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you.

And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman."(Spike to Buffy)

Joss Whedon

Sometimes I just need a distracti…..oh look!

I was a lot more tired than usual today. Not sure why, when I am tired all day I get cranky and I get lost in my head. That is a pretty dangerous place for me to be. I start thinking too much and all kinds of Effed up thoughts pop into my head. And today I had three tests so my mind was going overtime. Started doubting how well I'd do on my math test. Couldn't focus on my studying for my I.T. tests. I just felt like I was going crazy, until I got away from me and helped someone else. There was a lady asking for directions and instead of just telling her where to go I showed her. After that I had no more problems. Didn't do as well as I would have liked on my computer tests but before I took them I had no anxiety and after I took them the world didn't end. All in all it was a good day. Spent some time with the wife and child. Didn't have to study. Now going to bed. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"The first rule of focus is this: "Wherever you are, be there."

Unknown Author

Lego my Ego

Steelers lost! I am a little upset. They did a lot better than I expected seeing how half the starters were out. But hey Pittsburgh has 6 rings. What other team can say that?

So other than my team losing today was a pretty good day. Today I thought a lot about humility. I was reminded how often I think of myself. Not as much as I used to. I now know it's not all about me but I am turned inwards sometimes when I should be seeing the bigger picture. Humility ties in with my whole "change the world" project. The only way I will start to change the world is to be of service to others. To lend a hand to someone who needs help or to give a hug to anyone who might need one. There are many ways that I can be helpful. I just need to be aware and in the moment and be ready when a situation presents itself. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"To become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them."

Marleen · Charles de Montesquieu

3rd generation-coming soon

Okay so it is 12:15. I say that it is still today til I go to sleep.

So today didn't do much again. Just hung out around the house. Think I need to take a more proactive role in this whole "change the world" thing. At least I didn't hurt the world though.

So I thought a lot about the son I am going to have in a couple months. My wife came home with about 4 or 5 boxes filled with little boy clothes. It is just really starting to get real. I remember all the time I spent with my princess after she was born. To think that I get to do it all over again makes me so happy. I wish my father could be here to see the family I have. I miss him and sometimes I look at my daughter and think about how much fun he would have had with her. I'd like to think he's looking down and seeing it all. Who knows? 'Nite Y'all.

 

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was"

Anne Sexton

You got served

Today was a day. Woke up to my daughter freaking out because my wife wasn't home. I told her she could go potty with momma not home. She did. Wifey left at 4:30am to go shopping. Black Friday deals. Spend the same amount of money and just get more stuff. Do we "Need" it? Debatable, but now we have it. So I pick up a shift at work and go in expecting to have a pretty slow day. It was slow. Got some homework done. The few tables I did have today were great. Every single one of them asked me how I was doing. That never happens. Even more amazing was how many people told me thank you for the great service. There is nothing better than receiving acknowledgment for helping someone have a better day. Constantly amazed how service to others makes me feel so good. Sorry nothing to exciting today. Maybe tomorrow. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"If I have been of service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essence of ultimate good, if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at peace with myself, it has been a successful day"

Alex Noble

Grati-thanx-itude

Today is a great day. In recent months I have learned to be gratefull and give thanks everyday, but there is something about this day. Maybe it is knowing that most of the people in this country are thinking about what they take for granted all year long. Maybe everyone is hyper-sensitive about togetherness and family. Not really sure but I love it. So what am I thankful for? First I am thankful that I woke up this morning to The love of my life who is carrying the little brother of the most special little girl in the world. I am thankful that I have established an amazing relationship with my kid sister. I am thankful that my little brother and baby sister are happy and healthy. I am thankful to have a great connection to my extended family of in-laws. I am thankful for my fellowship family, who I know are there for me everday day of the year if I need them. I am thankful that I pulled myself through shame and wreckage to the place where I am today. I have friends, family, love, support, encouragement. And I have my life, which sometimes I feel I don't deserve but love with all my heart.

"We should just be thankful for being together. I think that's what they mean by 'Thanksgiving'. . ."

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Sorry about all the posts. Guess I have a lot to say tonight.

I remember being at work. I was in the middle of giving a dessert presentation at a table when my phone rang. Right there I answered my phone said "hello" and I heard the 5 words that would change my life forever…"I think my water broke."To think back to that moment now makes my heart swell. The racing home one the 237 trying to merge on to the 87 and going even faster were my thoughts. What will she look like, how long will it take, will I make a good father….will she like me? I get home and run in the house. I'm a little on the frantic side and there is my wife. Sitting there as calm as can be. She acted as if we were just running around the corner to the store. I'm acting like it's World War Three.We get to the hospital and get checked in. The nurses, who were amazing, were in and out. The doctors were in and out, and I remember the anesthesiologist was kind of creepy. After hours of waiting the time to push had come. All that day I had heard women up and down the hall screaming. I'm thinking, "okay, get ready to have your ears blown out." But my ears were fine. My wife's loudest noises were some grunts. I was in awe. Sure I can take a punch better than most, but what I witnessed was incredible. After hours of pushing the doctor says to my wife and me, "I can see the top of the head." I look and I see this dark black hair and this cues the first tear. Before that tear could drop though, I hear, "uh oh." I'm thinking what is "uh oh"? We find out that the baby is transverse and they have to, get this, push the baby back in. So it is decided that we are going to have to get a c-section.They wheel her to the operating room prepped and ready. I'm waiting in the hall for the doctor or nurse or whoever to come get me. Finally I'm escorted into the room in my gown and booties and stand behind the curtain with her head and the hand I'm holding the only visible part of her I see. Then there it is, Faint at first, then the most wonderful breath/scream/cry I have ever heard filled the room. She was here. The nurses cleaned her a little then they put her in my arms so I could walk her to get measured and weighed. As I was walking I knew that I had just become better. I had become more. All the hurt and joy and love and hate had all lead up to this point. I finally became ME. And I get to do it all over again in February.

"A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap"

Unknown

Gratitude

So I found out tonight about a person that died last week from H1N1. The main reason he died was because he was an Alcoholic with H1N1. The excessive drinking caused so much damage to his internal organs that his body couldn't produce the white blood cells to fight the virus. I am not sure how many know this but I had a pretty hard battle with alcohol, and sometimes I am still fighting it. I had told my wife "good thing I stopped when I did". That thought made me think about how truly lucky I am to have stopped when I did. My life is so full today. I have an amazing relationship with my family. I finally have real friends not just drinking buddies. I have a life now that I am proud of. Maybe some other day I'll tell you my whole story. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

Denis Waitley

empurfict

So today ended up being a pretty good day. Started out with me not wanting to go to school, and not having to either, and going anyway. I went and ended up helping some people who needed help and getting some help that I needed. That's something that I have problems with sometimes. Asking for help. My damn pride just creeps up and I start to feel like I can do it all myself. I am used to thinking of myself as God. It's hard to accept that I am just a man. Accepting that I am fallible. That I don't know it all.

 

"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds."

Winston Churchill

#(@% this

Focus, focus, focus………. I really need to concentrate on what I am trying to accomplish. Why I am I going to school? What do I want to be when I grow up? Sometimes I get so frustrated when I can't understand something. I know the reason I am going to school is to learn but part of me thinks that this should come a little easier. I just ran into a problem in my IT book. I know that there is an error in the book but now I am trying to figure out why there is an error in the book. Once I get all worked up I start to slip into fuck it mode and I know where that will lead me. So how do I turn my focus back to the task at hand? Focus, prayer, meditation, jumping jacks…….. I'll get it together, just had to vent a little. Back to the books.

I <3 20%

So tonight I am trying to figure out what makes people so mean. I understand that most of us go to a sit down restaurant to be waited on, that why I do. But some people treat us servers like servants. How hard is it to say please and thank you? My daughter is 4 and she remembers most of the time. Sometimes I think people leave their brains in their car before they go into a restaurant. I don't know how many times I run through the fresh fish menu and preparations and the second I finish people are asking me hoe we prepare the fish. I mean, come on. How hard is it to pay attention to the person you are looking at?

Ok done venting. It does surprise me how inconsiderate people can be and how angry servers can get. Sometimes you would think that someone just kicked their dog. I try to put everything in perspective but some people just don't want to hear it. I can understand how frustrating it can be to get a $5 tip on a $100 tab but if you hang on to that anger you are just gonna carry it with you to the next table. I was actually told I was "too nice" nut it was said like you would tell someone they were an asshole. Oh well all I can do is "pause when agitated" and "do the next right thing". 'Nite Y'all

 

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.

Bill Gates

Change for a penny

So today was pretty uneventful. Woke up, stayed around the house until I went to school. When I got to school worked on some home work, went to class, and took a test. But after my class had a real good talk with a very good friend. Or topic of discussion was shitty thinking and awareness. Talk about reoccurring themes. Anyway he got me to thinking about how much I have actually change both my way of thinking and my patterns of behavior. Two and a half years ago this blog idea would have never came to pass. The last thing on my mind then was thinking about others unless it was thinking about what I could get from others. I'm not saying my journey is done. Far from it. But the fact that I am starting to understand what humility is amazing.

Another thing that is amazing is my daughter. I know I'm biased but my daughter is crazy smart. Yesterday she just decided to write her name backwards then did it. Just moved from last letter to first like she's been doing it for years. And today just started arranging crayons to spell her name. She blows me away sometimes.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

~Winnie the Pooh

losing focus

i need to remember to make sure i have "an attitude of gratitude". i keep letting myself get into negitive thinking and it puts me on a path that can only hurt the world.

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others"

Cicero

Picture Imperfect

So I had mentioned a couple days ago that I was helping to clear out my mother's storage unit. Well we found a bunch of old photos. Things seemed so great back then. I've been thinking a lot about how I ended up from there to here. Funny thing about pictures is that usually people are always smiling in them. Everything is perfect in a picture. You were never being called stupid while pictures were taken. There are not moments of anguish captured in time. Only joyful moments. How much I wish that that we could live in photos, but we get to live in this place called the real world. A place where we have to deal with our pasts and presents. Where we get to reflect on where we went wrong and how we fix our now.

Old pictures are great but I have to remember that I can't relive or change anything that happened before. So I am focused on today. And today I have a test. Pretty sure I'll do fine on it. Just might not get as high a score as I would like. I've found that I've turned into somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to school. I know that I'm not perfect but, man, do I strive for it. My teachers think I'm great. Always helping others and I have a firm grasp of the material. I've helped people in my class and seen that little light bulb go off and see their eyes light up. That is a great feeling when you help someone "get it".

 

"Look up and not down. Look forward and not back. Look out and not in, and lend a hand."

Edward Everett Hale

It’s Something I Guess

So today was an okay day. Went and watched the game with the wife and daughter. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings as we do almost every Sunday to watch the Steelers. The game sucked! I was pissed! Steelers lost to the EFFIN Chiefs. THE Chiefs! Oh well. We left after the 3^rd and came home. Everything else was pretty uneventful. Went to work. Was kinda slow came home.

When I got home I started working on so reviews for school. You know it is kinda weird being back in school after 15 years. When I graduated high school the last thing I ever wanted to do was go to school and now I am so excited. Im doing great in my classes and my teachers dig the energy im putting into it. When I was younger 4 more years seemed like an eternity, but now it seems like no time at all. Well I think I blabbed on about nothing long enough. 'Nite y'all.

 

"I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about."

Oscar Wilde 

Dream a little Dream

I guess I should let everyone know that I don't think very linearly. I can jump from thought to thought with no segway and it can get confusing so I apologize.

Planning a day filled with football and maybe even a few tattoos. I am a huge Steelers fan. I myself am not huge but my fanaticism for the Steelers is. As far as tattoos goes there are three I want right now. I am getting my daughter's name on the lower bicep of my right arm, angel wings and a halo on upper left arm and I am getting the word "Dream" on my ring finger. Dream is my wife. I know you are not supposed to tattoo a woman's name on yourself, but this woman has shown me so very important things like compassion, love, understanding and most of all forgiveness. She believes in me like no one ever has and she pushes me to follow my heart, and without her I would be lost.

So again today I will attempt to steer myself towards making this world a better place. Wish me luck.

 

 

"Show me a man with a tattoo and I'll show you a man with an interesting past."

Jack London

Thoughts of lives to come and lives “Thrown Away"

Woke up this morning and I was kinda tired. Went to bed late and had to get up early for a "birthing refresher" because we are having a son in February. So I drink some coffee, get dressed, and I say my morning prayers. Not at all religious just know there is something bigger than me. Anyway…. So during my prayer today I asked for help to make everything I do today benefit the world in some way. And that was a constant thought all day." Is what I am doing right now helping or hurting the world"? It's pretty amazing the things I did or didn't do. Flicked my cigarette on the ground (yes I'm a dirty smoker. Can't all be perfect) and then I picked it up and threw it away. And that's how the day started.

So my wife and I went into our class and learned about squatting and birthing balls and some techniques that weren't around when we had our first one. Most of the class though all I could do was think about Connor. Connor is the name of our son to be. I start thinking about how excited I am. I think about how in love with my daughter I am and I think about how much more love there is gonna be and I start to think that I don't deserve this. I have done so much shitty stuff to so many people how can I possibly deserve the family I have. I spent so much time thinking only of myself. Neglectful of my wife and daughter and every day I try to make up for it and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

So we finish with our class at the hospital and head down to my mother's storage unit to help out my kid sister go through all my mom's old stuff. Lots of stuff. Almost 30 years of stuff. My mother didn't want to get rid of anything. At one point she started crying and told us we were throwing away her life. My mother can be good with the guilt sometimes. So we made some runs to the dump and Goodwill, and went home to get ready for work. Before I leave the house for work I say another quick prayer asking for help to keep me thinking about the path I'm on, "change the world for the better". I have to pray before work all the time because in my line of work it is very easy to get hateful. And "if I'm being hateful I'm not being grateful". I am a server in a time when people want to go out to eat but don't want to spend money. My night went surprisingly well. Until the end of the night. Not that what happened was bad but I should have thought about what I said before I said it. I happened to overhear a man at another server's table explaining to his daughter about how heat escapes through her head and I offered a simple experiment they could try at home to see how heat rises. They say thank you. I say no problem and keep on walking, but for some reason on the way back through I told them that I used to be an elementary teacher. WTF???????? Why did I do that?????? I know exactly why. I wanted them to see me for something more than I am. I realized what I was doing and steered the conversation back around to the truth and told them to have a good night. I still have so much work to do on myself. Hopefully I can gain the maturity of a 12 year old by this time next year. 'Nite y'all

"I do myself a greater injury in lying than I do him of whom I tell a lie."

Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

The journey begins

So I will be attempting to write everyday. This may sound easy to most, but I am Mr. Non-Committal. I hope this blog will turn into a history lesson to show me how I am changing my life for the better. I started my journey 851 days ago and have grown quite a lot. What I want to do is become the best me I can be. The best husband, father, brother, son, Man I can be. i am going to set out to achieve one task everyday that can make the world better. Whether it be making someone smile or picking up some trash on the sidewalk. I hope that this will result positively in my life. So here I am ready to humble myself. Here goes.

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.”

Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.