A friend is someone who hates the same people you do

I want to talk about friendship. Sometimes I think I don't have many friends. I used to consider a friend someone you hang out with all the time. If that was what a friend was I wouldn't have any. Well I have my wife, who is my best friend, but not to many people I get together with. But now I think I know what a friend really is. A friend is someone who will come to your aid even if you haven't spoken in months. A friend is on who trusts you unflinchingly. I have many friends. In the fellowship and out. So to all of those oout there that care for me I want you to know that I care for you too. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked"

Bernard Meltzer

Public Practice

Walk the talk. That is something I have just started to learn. It is so easy to be a good person in groups of people that are trying to be better people, but what about when we are out with the rest of the world? It is funny how people ask me for advice. I think to my self that they must not know who I am. I am the man who stays out all night without calling, the man who sleeps in parks, the man who makes the shittiest decisions. Then I realize that I am not that man anymore. It is amazing how far treating everyone like you want to be treated wil get you. It all starts with being of service. When I make myself available to others great things happen.

 

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."

Alex Karras

Just Show Up

Well I skipped a day. I'm allowed because I make the rules. On my blog anyway. As for all the other rules my wife would tell you I don't run shit. So yesterday….35…getting older. Had one of the greatest days I've ever had. Low stress, lots of love and hassle free. Started the day taking my little girl to see the new "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie. You might be asking why I took my daughter to a movie on my birthday. The reason was that all I wanted for by birthday was to see all my girls and my little boy smile. Sure I want some material stuff but what I wanted more than anything was to see my favorite people happy. After the movie it was off to the merry go round at the mall. Nothing makes a four year old girl grin more than going up and down an a pony going in circles.

Make daughter smile - Check
After eating a quick lunch we dropped off the Princess and headed to the hospital to see my Big Man. He has been getting his daily bottle at 2. We were there for awhile with the PT nurse as we were feeding him. He is getting so big. Well big for a baby who was born 8 weeks early. As we were feeding him he gave me a few smiles. It was great. His eyes even close a little when he smiles big just like his daddy and sister.

See son smile - Check

We went back home for awhile and I took a walk. Just me and my thoughts. It was nice. It has become important for me to be alone sometimes. One of the hardest things for me to do is spend time with myself. I'm not talking about isolating. Just enjoying my own company. I used to always have to be around people. Had to be a part of the crowd. The irony is that I never felt more alone than when I was with a group of people. I think that is why I have a "thing" about being around to many people now. Sometimes I just feel crowded. Almost claustrophobic. So the walk was very nice.

Alone time - Check

We headed up to the Tram at about 4:30. It was nice, but it was too dark to see anything through the tinted windows. When we got to the top we had some coffee than headed back down. We made it to the restaurant at 7 where we met up with my sister and her girlfriend. The four of us had a very good time. I had an Antelope steak that was EFFIN PHENOMINAL!!! Good food, good time and great company.

Saw my girls grin -Check

After dinner we were planning on going to see "Avatar" but we had some time to waste so we went on a quest for dessert. No where sells cake. Well not the four places we stopped. At this point if we were to keep looking for cake we would have missed our movie. So we just headed to the theater. When we got there my sister and her girlfriend decided to join us. "Avatar" was an amazing movie. James Camron really reinvented cinema with this on. Visually stunning and imaginative. The movie lasted 2 ouhrs and 42 minutes. Best $10 dollars ive spent at the movies in years. We headed home very exhausted from a long day. And my wife was very happy that I had a great day.

Made wife smile -Check

Well I think the reason it was such a wonderful day was because I was there. I was present. I showed up. I seem to do so good when I make the effort to JUST SHOW UP. 'Nite Y'all.

"Hope begins in the dark; the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing,

the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."
 Anne Lamott

 

If everyone commits to giving me $5 for my birthday I could buy my new phone

So tomorrow, Monday December 28^th, I will celebrate 35 years on this earth. The song "Seasons of Love" asks "How do you measure, measure a year?" My question – How do you measure 35? I have seen more than most in my life time. I have witnessed lives coming in to and leaving this world. I have actually seen a kid smoking weed get hit and floored by the mirror of a "short bus" and land on a girl throwing up at the bus stop before school. I have seen a sunset with my wife and a bottle of wine on the beach and a sunrise alone in unknown locations. I've given my phone number to a girl on a hundred dollar bill and been homeless and sleeping on top of Denny's without even a penny in my pocket. I have been loved by many and hated by more. I have climbed out of hell into a life that I wouldn't trade for anything. I guess we are just the sum of our experiences. I wish I had the time to sit here and recount all that I have seen. I am looking forward to going into this next 525,600 minutes with my wife, my daughter and the newest addition to our family. Think I am going to take a day off from writing tomorrow so that I can really enjoy my presence and presents. Before I go I just want to say thank you to my Mother and Father who made it possible for me to have the life I had (in so many ways) 'Nite Y'all

 

"Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had,

and what you've learned from them,

and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated."

Unknown

How to get everything you want

I remember talking about all the stuff that I wanted when I was younger. The houses, the cars, the jewlry and the women. I wanted it all. I thought I was going to be successful, famous and respected. The think was I never worked at getting any of it and I still was upset that I didn't get any of it. I thought the world owed me something. Shit, I thought the world owed me everything I wanted. Instead all I got was what I deserved-nothing. Now I have rethought what success means to me and I have become more successful that I ever imagined I could be. i now am husband to a wonderful woman, father to two amazing kids, a loyal friend and a citizen of the world. 'Nite Y'all.

 

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Dale Carnegie 

Remembering to Breathe

All day I have felt like I didn't have enough time. It is X-Mas day and I am currently at the wife's family party/dinner. There are few places/occasions where I feel comfortable around a lot of people. By "a lot" I mean more than 6. There was a point just a while ago that I just started feeling real uncomfortable. It just started getting really loud and people were talking to me and at me and I just started feeling way overwhelmed. So tonight I am gonna try to chronicle this event.
4:51pm- just got done trying to make/save the gravy. I started projecting a conversation. It won't happen but I keep envisioning myself cussing someone out and storming out of the house.
5:37pm- well the last half hour went great. Everyone was eating and now everyone is full so it's not as hectic. Food was good. Just heard someone say "you need to learn to be disappointed early in life." I think it is stuff like that that starts to annoy me a little. I think you should tell kids to shoot for the stars and if they don't succeed you help them deal with the disappointment then help them to try again.
6:16pm- just had a very uneventful "white elephant" gift exchange. It was boring. But I got a sandwich maker so.......Score! Now getting ready to play board games. Let's hope it doesn't end up being "bored" games.
5:47pm- Screaming little girl. Her dad smacked her in the face with a koosh ball. She goes ballistic and dad tries to comfort her and she goes full tilt boogie kicking and screaming. Chaos.
7:37pm- played Guesstures. It was actually pretty fun. After the game everyone started packing up to go home. Then out of nowhere every child started screaming and it made me kinda freak out. But now it's over and we are headed home. This year went better than last year but thinking of next year still fills me with anxiety. 'Nite Y'all.

"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope."

Alexandre Dumas Père

What is Christmas all abiut?

X-Mas Hustle

Getting ready for a busy two days. Christmas time seems a little more stressful than it should be. We have so much to do on a day when we should be able to just chill. Then there is the family part of it. My wife's whole family gets together. We are talking like 20 people. My family never got together unless it was the fourth of July or when someone died. Her family gets together because it's Tuesday. And with everything going on I feel like we have to make time to see my son. Well now I got all of the bitching out of my system. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." Oren Arnold

FEAR-False Evidence Apearing Real

Sitting here watching my son sleep. So peaceful. It is pretty quiet in the NICU right now. Which is giving a chance to just think about what is going on. Getting inside my head can be a double edged sword. If I don't focus on positive thoughts I can easily slip into the "What Ifs" I will start to predict the future which I have never done accuratly. When I start to try to see the future I usually only see bad things that are pretty much never gonna happen. But right now I am just contemplating some of the feelings I am having. I feel so blessed to have him in my life but at the same time if helpless and scared. Fear is high on the list. The reason for any intensive care unit is becuase there could be problem. Everything is just so back and forth. Problem A is looking great but problem B is looking bad. Then A goes down and B comes up. It all just seems so inconsistant. It just makes me feel powerless.

ODAAT

I was reminded today how sick I still am. It sucks sometimes having this disease that tells me I don't have a disease. But I am also getting better every day. As long as I stay aware and in the moment I can recognize these adverse feelings. I must remember that I can't do this alone and that there is a solution.

 

"No one among us has been able to maintain like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints."

How it works

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Well I did it. I made it a month. I blogged every day. 42 posts in 30 days. And I had fun. So I am gonna set a goal now. I am going to blog every day for the next 315 days or until I hit 365 posts. One year. Yup! I'm saying it now. If I do not succeed than….well I don't know. Ideas?

Well today was a damn good day. It started with lots of fun and games with the little girl. Tickling, running, hiding and some stuff she wanted to do too. We had lots of fun. Today at work was one of those perfect days. Didn't have to work my ass off, all my tables were very nice and I made decent money. After work I went and spent some time with my son. I hung out there a while talking to him. After the visit with the boy my wife and I went to dinner. Great company, great conversation and ok food. Then we went and saw "The Blind Side". Great movie. Made me really see how blessed I am. There are some many people out there who have nothing and no one. I may not know how I'm going to pay rent next month but we are going to be ok. That's more than some people can say. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."

Unknown

Fortitude

Sorry about yesterday but when the day ended I had zero energy. Had a long couple days. Yesterday I got up at 6:30 am so I could head down and see my son. Let the wife and daughter sleep in. had fun just talking and reading to him. He is doing so good. Getting stronger. It is hard to see him with all the tubes and wires but I know he is in good hands. Later that morning went to see my daughter's Christmas performance. It was very cute. We had a lot of funny. More importantly she had a lot of fun. After the show we went home for awhile. Then we were off to a Christmas party that the hospital put together for the families of all the little ones in the NICU. It was great. We are so lucky to have so many doctors and nurses that care so much. Or son's doctor even dressed up as Santa for the Kids. Then I was off to work where I had a long night.

Today I woke up too early for having gone to bed so late. Had to help the little sister move. That kicked my ass so bad. And I had to work after. That kicked my ass so bad that I am icing my knees right now. My knees also hurt because I fell out of the moving van. I missed a side step and kind of tumbled out. I also mis-stepped and fell of the mechanical lift. When that happened I twisted one knee and an ankle and landed on my other. knee. All of that made for a pleasant evening at work. Which I get to do again in the morning but I will also have sore muscles and back pain. My sister and her girlfriend are lucky I love them or else I would have just told them to go Eff themselves. Which I almost did a few times. I get kind of cranky when I'm tired and in pain. Sorry girls if I was kind of an A-hole today. Love you ;-)

Lastly ii just want to say again how lucky I am to have my wife in my life. I am looking forward to growing old with her. I want to be that old couple that everyone says is so cute. She's great. 'Nite Y'all.

 

Long day and too much to say

Very tired tonight. Have a lot on my mind, but too tired. I'll post tomorrow. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"I'm so tired, but I can't sleep...standing on the edge of something much too deep...funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word."

Sarah McLachlan quotes

What am I thinking about YOU

So I have this thing I do. Basically, before some situations, I imagine the way a particular conversation will go. It is never- this person is gonna say "you look great today. You are great to be around". It is always the worst possible conversation I imagine. And I play out the whole thing from the negative first words to the big blow up finally where I tell everyone to go to hell and storm out of the room. Then by the time I am actually in the situation I am in a shitty mood. I am sitting there glaring at someone thinking to myself "I can't believe they would say something like that. Eff them, those Effin Effs" when none of what I imagine ever happened. Think I need to start meditating more. 4 questions. Got to remember the 4 questions. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Avoid destructive thinking. Improper negative thoughts sink people.

A ship can sail around the world many, many times, but just let enough water get into the ship and it will sink. Just so with the human mind.

Let enough negative thoughts or improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person sinks just like a ship."

Alfred A. Montapert

Life version 2.0

Been thinking a lot about how much my life has changed. I know that this is what my blog is about but I can't help but reflect. So as I mentioned before I am currently enrolled in school. That last time I was in school was in 1994 when I graduated from high school. That was 15 years ago. I know for a lot of people they were expected to go to college. That was expected of them. That wasn't so for me. Education wasn't really stressed when I was growing up. Not by parents anyway. Well I just finished my first term. At times it got difficult but I studied and put in the work. It paid off. I finished my first term with a 4.0. I have never gotton all As.the last time I remember getting anything above a B was in 7^th grade. I am very proud of myself. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write,

but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."

ALVIN TOFFLER

 

 

Nosocomephobia

Today was quiet. Not like boring quiet or sound quiet. Today was mind quiet. I had no worries or negative thoughts. Serenity. Calm.

I spent some one on one time with my son today. It was nice just to sit there with him. It is hard for me to be there sometimes. I don't really like hospitals. They freak me out. Kind like some people are scared of clowns or crowds. That's me and hospitals. I am only in them if I have to be. My son is a great reason, as is my wife. Not sure where this fear came from. I think it is a combination of things. First id say is the smell. That too cleans antiseptic smell. Just got the chills thinking about it. Second are the germs. I know its kinda counter intuitive because of the cleanliness, but the first place really sick people go is to the hospital. Third is……people die in hospitals. I know that "Death" itself isn't contagious but still……dead people. I can hear my dad in my head saying "don't know why you're scared of dead people. It's not like they can do anything to you". But to spend some time with my wife or son makes it bearable. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so.

For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind"

Dale Carnegie

Drink a little Lemonade and not so many Beers

Today someone said it sounded like I was doing some soul searching. My reply was that I had found my soul, and now I was just trying to get rid of the emptiness so that it would fit. It is funny how emptiness can take up so much room inside of a person. It feels nice to have some of that emptiness lifted. I have started replacing it with gratitude and humility. I have so many blessings in my life today. I have been overwhelmed by the blessings in my life lately. I've just turned into a big ole baby. Heard a song earlier that made me a little teary eyed. The song was "My Next Thirty Years" by Tim McGraw. When I turned thirty I played this song over and over and over and over and… well you get it. Seems like even then I knew I needed a change in my life. Too bad it took me two more years to start making that change. I included the song. 'Nite Y'all.


 

Sleep eludes me

Well I went to bed at 11pm and here it is 12:50am and I am nowhere close to tired. Have just so much stuff swimming around in my head. Can't stop thinking about my son, my wife, my daughter, my life. Thinking about all of the stuff I've been through. I have lived a pretty crazy life. So many highs and lows that my valleys have some pretty high peaks and my peaks have some crazy low valleys. It is kind of amazing how much the human body and mind can endure. I have been to the most sordid horrible parts of hell and there have been times that I feel I was looking in God's eyes. Life is……………. Well yeah…..Life just IS. In the past few days I have seen both ends of life. My son was born on Saturday morning then 7 hours later I saw my 96 year old Grandmother who is taking what might soon be the last breaths she'll ever take. It really is fleeting, all of this. Our time here is short. Whether you live until you're 9 or until you're 90. There really is no day but today. I have found it very important to live in the moment. To really be aware of what's going on. Not only around me but in my head as well. I have to constantly ask myself if I am in the moment or just reacting to it. Well I'm gonna share a piece I wrote with y'all. If you get a chance I'd love to hear your thoughts on life.

No day but today

to stand and be counted

to count

To mean something

Be something

More than a know nothing

A stand up and show something

Show my worth so my time on Earth is not wasted

That there was a reason for my birth

So in my death I will have left a mark

"There's only us. There's only this. Forget regrets. Or life is yours to miss."

If you live in regret

You are throwing away laughs

And smiles

And hugs

Might have been a drinker

Might have used drugs

But what did you learn?

Did you learn the score?

So that now you yearn for more

Than you did before

Can you now open a door to a future that's bright

Can you shine like the Star you are?

                    Van Overton 2009

  

All about love for a child

Sitting here telling my daughter all about her baby brother. She's pretty ambivalent about it all. Not sure if she really knows what's going on. It's not real for her yet. The pictures we show her could be of anyone. Oh well.

Well my son is doing great. He is almost doing everything by himself. Which is good, seeing as it has been less than 48 hours. Wifey got to change his diaper tonight. She was pretty excited about that. Maybe I will get to tomorrow.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. I had an interesting childhood. I was born here in Albuquerque to a mother who is sick and a father who had his own issues. My mother isn't ill, per se, just has issues. I have early memories that are fantastic. Christmas growing up was always great. Toys, a tree, and handmade ornaments my mother had made before I was born, and the best part of every Christmas was listening to "The Jackson Five Christmas" album. When I say album I mean just that. A 12 inch black vinyl disk with groves in it that played music. Whenever I try to think of good memories from childhood these are usually the ones that come up. Times didn't get really bad until my parents got divorced. Everything started to collapse after that. There was a lot of angst and resentments back then. I had a bit of the clichéd "parents split because of me" type thoughts. After that, though, my father was great. He really took the time to make sure we knew that he and or mom loved us and it wasn't our fault. Our mom on the other hand became very withdrawn. In our moms house we saw a lot of things we probably shouldn't have. In a lot of way I feel like I had to grow up faster than I should have. Here I go with the "coulda, woulda, shouldas". The important thing I am trying to say here is that every day of my life I am going to show my wife, my daughter and my son how much I love them and how important they are to me.


Sorry that was so scattered. 'Nite Y'all.

"What about taking this empty cup and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence.

I haven't had enough. it's probably because when you're young it's ok to be easily ignored.

I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child"

Jason Mraz

My Son Connor

My son was born today. He is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. He is small and fragile. I have forgotten how completely dependent on others babies are. So many thoughts going through my head. I am feeling so much. And that is really the miracle of all of this. I am feeling. When my daughter was born I was so deep into my self-medicating that I don't remember a lot of the details. And for that I am truly sorry. But this time I am feeling everything. The joy, anxiety, fear and frustration. I truly am blessed to have the family I have. I am truly the richest man in the world even if I only have $20 to my name.

 

"Before you go to sleep, 
Say a little prayer, 
Every day in every way, 
It's getting better and better, 

Beautiful, 
Beautiful, beautiful, 
Beautiful Boy"

John Lennon

YATTA (yah-tah)

I Did It!!! I finished my first term of school. This is a huge accomplishment for me. This is one of the first things I have finished in a long time. I have never been good with follow through. It took me 15 years to go back to school. I know it might sound selfish but I am very proud of myself. Best of all, I am excited for the next term. Granted, I did have pretty easy classes this term, and they are just gonna get harder. Still…..I made it. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment."    

- Thomas Carlyle

The world is amazing and nobody cares

So tonight I have to talk about technology. The other day I'm sitting outside of work smoking and a fellow co-worker asks me if I had heard about "phone as router". I had heard about phone as modem but hadn't heard of using my phone as a "hotspot. Well tonight I got curious and looked it up. Well now I am currently using my phone as a wifi signal. I have a 100% signal. And it is fast. It is amazing. I am thinking about dropping the $30 after my free trial ends. The world we are living in is truly amazing. We are able to talk to people anywhere in the world. Think about how much music it was physically possible to transport with you when you went for a walk. In order to match our hard drive capacities 20 years ago we would have to carry a back pack and flip the tape over every 30-60 minutes. I won't even mention different artists on different tapes. I just cant wait to see what's next. 'Nite Y'all.

In Response To…..

so really-- Elizabeth Lambert from UNM's soccer team was number ten on Time Magizine's top 10 pariahs? So what they are saying is that my 4 year old duaghter and her classmates are as bad as those who beat women, rob people of all their money and pedophiles. Really people come on. Is hair pulling really that bad? This world and most of the people in it are crazy some times. Check out my little sister's blog 
 click here---->"In Response To…"

DreaM

Today was an okay day. I was pretty tired today. Haven't been sleeping well because my wife isn't here. We've been apart longer than a week once before, but there wasn't all the worry that comes along with this absence. I have a very bad headache because I slammed my head on a brick wall. No I did not do it on purpose. And all it did was make me more frustrated with life. Why does so much have to happen at once? I just wish my wife was here. As much as I made her think I didn't need her help she is truly my barometer. She gives me perspective on all of my Effed up thoughts. She lets me walk around with my head in the clouds, but she tethers me to the ground. She can look at me like I'm an idiot without pissing me off. I miss her so much even though I see her every day. It's not the same as waking up next to her or giving her a hug whever I feel like it or having her touch my hand when we are watching T.V. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.  "

Arnold H. Glasgow

Thanx E-Mack

"Deep peace of the running wave to you. Deep peace of the flowing air to you. Deep peace of the quiet earth to you. Deep peace of the shining stars to you. Deep peace of the infinite peace to you." Deep peace is what I need. My mind is pretty tumultuous right now. I have had so much going on that I have found myself isolating. "Fear of People, Places and Things" has me going crazy. The only place I feel comfortable is with my wife and hospitals upset me. So what do I do? Well I am starting by surrounding myself with people who care about me. Whether I want to be around them or not doesn't matter. It is what I need.

Life happens

Not feeling up to writing tonight. Life was a little overwhelming today. Hope you had a good day.

 

"Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it."
Lou Holtz

My Punk Butt

So my daughter has this unwritten rule, I think, that whenever either my wife or myself are not at home for the night she gets to sleep in our bed. There is usually no discussion about this. When it's time for bed and a parent is absent the bed becomes half hers. I use the word half figuratively, because see takes up more room then the morbidly obese people on those health channel shows. You would be amazed at how much room a skinny little four year old can takes up. With all the stuff that is going on right now with our family I am astounded by her level of compassion. Today has been a hard day for me, granted my wife is dealing with the majority of it, but today I had my breakdown. All at once I got really scared. Overwhelmingly scared. I was scared of not knowing. I didn't try to project into the future and wasn't thinking negative thoughts. I just couldn't stand NOT KNOWING. Well, when my daughter got home she was being very sweet. Hugged me a few times for no reason, turn her head half way to look at me and give me this little smile. She is really gonna be a wonderful big sister and before I know it, an amazing woman.

 

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." 

John W. Whitehead

Olive Juice

So back in January of 2001 I met this woman. She was a server at the Bennigan's I worked at. She transferred down from Las Cruces to the Louisiana Benny's. I walked in and saw a butt I hadn't seen before. She turned around and I saw the eyes that would forever change my life. Two days later I had my first kiss with this woman. That was the night my heart learned to sing. We hung out quite a bit after that night. Our first real date was at Club R&B. I had planned on reading some poetry that night for her to hear, but never got called up. So we went to the duck pond at UNM and I read for her. Unfortunately I had a pretty bad case of the hiccups. It's kinda hard to be serious and profound when there is a "hic" every three words. We continued to date, and after two weeks I knew this was gonna be the woman I married. I remember developing feelings for her very quickly. So quick that I wanted to tell her I loved her, but felt it was too soon so I just said "elephant shoes" because when you mouth the words it looks like "I love you". Soon we moved in together. Shortly after this my father died. She was there for me through, what I thought then, was the most difficult period in my life. Turns out that the most difficult time in my life was ages 11-32. Over the next 6-7 years we would experience some of the greatest times two people could have. And some of the worst times. I married this woman in 2003. Wonderful wedding with family, friends and a little bit of wind. Two years later our daughter was born. We were living in the bay area. We both had great jobs. We took impromptu trips to the beach or San Francisco. Times were good, except when they weren't. I was anything but a desirable husband. I was a drinker. Now when I say drinker I don't mean like go out on the weekends and party. I mean drink heavily every day all day. I would disappear and not call. And come home to a crying wife. This went on most of our entire lives together. I was the worst kind of person. There were so many times that she threatened to leave me. Finally, due to situations involving police, jail and judges I saw a tiny sliver of light slip into the darkness of my world. That light continues to get brighter every day. And the brighter it gets the more saddened I become thinking about how awful I was to the one woman who always saw the best in me, even in the worst of times. I don't think I could ever apologize enough. But I am going to try. Every day for the rest of my life I am gonna let her know that without her I could never be my best. Without her I am nothing. I LOVE YOU, A.M.O.

'Nite Y'all.

 

"My best chosen friend, companion, guide, to walk through life, linked hand-in-hand, two equal, loving friends, true husband and true wife."
Sir Charles Gavan Duffy

You should say hi to a stranger

Life comes fast. Don't blink. Might miss it. Sometimes you don't miss shit. Sometimes you have to sit and watch it unfold in super slow motion. One thing that has come out of this whole thing is that I have found a lot of people offer to help. It's nice to know that there are people who care. The support that has been given and offered is amazing. I feel truly blessed to have so many friends who care. I now consider some people friends now instead of just co-workers or acquaintances. You know, I think that is part of the answer to the great question of life. Connecting. Making yourself available to others. Trusting in the good of people. Reserving judgment as much as you can. I used to be against connecting. I would go out of my way to avoid people who could care less if I said hi. There was this one day. This was after I started my transformation into the man I am today. I was on a bus coming home from downtown and the bus was empty aside from me, the driver, and a guy sitting way in the back. On walks this guy. Of all the seats on the bus he decides to sit in the seat right next to me. I start to get all frustrated. Thinking "what the eff is this guy doin?" but before I get to upset I turn to him and say hi. Because I chose to engage in a conversation with a stranger I met someone who was very nice. That's what this world needs more of. Conversations with strangers. It doesn't take much just a hello can change someone's day. We try so hard to shut ourselves off from others. Some of us alienate people by trying too hard to fit in. There is a group of people who try to gain acceptance by buy the latest, greatest iPod to become part of a group. Next thing you know they are plugging ear buds into their ears and cutting off the people they were trying to clique with. Well I guess that is enough rambling for tonight. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another - and ourselves". 

Jack Kornfield

Po’ umm

Today was another rollercoaster day. Wife was supposed to get out of the hospital today, but there was a little bleeding so now she is here until Monday with the possibility of having to stay until the baby comes. Just imagine having to stay in a hospital for 4 weeks. We will make the best of it if it comes to that. Went to a Black Student Union open mic/meeting tonight. Not a whole lot of people showed up but it was nice to connect with some people and release some of my tension. I really enjoy sharing my poetry. It allows me to be open and honest and vulnerable. I have all ways loved to write. Writing is where there is no judgment. Just me a pen and some paper and I can do anything I want. Its just like reading but I control the character. It is the one place that everything happens the way it should. Well as you can tell I was kinda reaching for some thing to write tonight. Sorry if I bored you. 'Nite Y'all.

 

A poet's autobiography is his poetry. Anything else is just a footnote. 
Yevgeny Yevtushenko 

We are so rich, and so day we'll have money too.

It has been a long day. A long two days. In the past 48 hours I have felt so many feelings and emotions. Fear, happiness, anxiety, frustration, anger, love. I must never forget to be grateful and appreciate all of the gifts that I have in my life. My family might be going through a tough time emotionally as well as financially but we still have each other. I have the most wonderful life I could ever ask for. A life which I have almost thrown away on many occasions. There are a lot of families out there that are struggling. Reach out to them. Just call and say hi. Let them know that you are thinking about them. That could mean more than money sometimes. We could all use support in our lives. More love in this world couldn't hurt. 'Nite Y'all.

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

Tom Bodett

Thank You All

Well everything is okay with the wife and baby. Thank you to all of those that sent their thoughts and prayers our way. It looks like there might be a chance that my son will be here sooner than planned. It isn't exactly what we wanted, but everything will be fine. We are currently in our 30^th week and we were told the Connor will more than likely be here in the 34^th week. My wife and I are dealing with a little fear and anxiety over this pregnancy. We lost a baby early this year and those thoughts keep creeping up. Everytime we go to see a doctor or get an ultrasound there is this hush that falls and we are holding our breath till we hear the heartbeat. It's a little easier now the he moves around so much. Still the fear sets in. I know It doesn't help to think this way but sometimes I feel like this shouldn't be happening to ME. Ive done so much tochange my life. I do everything right and Effed up stuff happens. I guess I just have to remember that everything "is what it is". I need to accept things for what they are. His will, Not Mine.

 

"Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future."

Fulton Oursler

We could use your positive thoughts

So this afternoon my wife was admitted to the hospital because of complications with the pregnancy. The baby is fine. He is still moving around tormenting his mother. Unfortunately my wife might have to stay here in the hospital for weeks (worse case scenario). This will be tough on many levels. The hardest being that she won't be able to see our daughter. Kids under 18 aren't allowed in the hospital because of this damn H1N1. So thanks for your time and positive energy. 'Nite Y'all.

I could use a quote. Got any?

Heal the World Make It A Better Place for You and For Me and the Entire Human Race

So I was noticing the amount of blog posts that have nothing to do with helping the world/doing good things. Well after some thought I have realized that in a way anything I write is helping the world. My reasoning is that anything I write helps me better myself and how I react to the world. Through all of this I pass on what I have learned to others, namely my children and that's really what it's all about. Make this a better world for them and helping them to see how wonderful this world can be when it wants to be. There are some great things about people working to help others. In recent times I have devoted myself to helping others in any way I can. And when I help others I get outside of myself, and that keeps me thinking clearly. I know I ramble a lot and I'm sorry about that. I just have so much to say that sometimes stuff just gets jumbled up inside. Thank you to those that put up with me and thank you to my regular readers. At least I know the stuff I write is being read by someone.

 

"In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe."

Michael Jackson

Lovin the Ladies

So tonight by request I will be talking about the wonderfulness of women.

At one point I thought my wife was pregnant this time with a girl, because I was prepared to be surrounded by women for the rest of my life.

Living with women is something that I've gotten used to over my 34 years on this planet. I lived with just my mother and sister growing up. Granted I did see my father, but my mother had custody of my sister and i. latter I lived with my aunt and two female cousins. Later I lived with my grandmother. My G-Ma is, in my eyes, the greatest woman I have ever met. She is the strongest most secure woman I have ever known. And now I live with my wife and daughter. So I have officially lived with women aged 1-95.

During a certain period of my life I thought I was an expert on women. I was the worst kind of man. The kind of man that I am afraid for my daughter to meet. Turns out I was just looking for a connection with someone but my definition of "connection was pretty skewed.

My father told me once that "there is something beautiful about all women. You just have to look for it." I believe him. Every woman I have ever met is beautiful in their own way. The one thing that sucks about that is some women know it and use it.

Well I know I was all over the place and I apologize. But for anyone who knows a woman knows the futility in tried to define them all. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you.

And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman."(Spike to Buffy)

Joss Whedon

Sometimes I just need a distracti…..oh look!

I was a lot more tired than usual today. Not sure why, when I am tired all day I get cranky and I get lost in my head. That is a pretty dangerous place for me to be. I start thinking too much and all kinds of Effed up thoughts pop into my head. And today I had three tests so my mind was going overtime. Started doubting how well I'd do on my math test. Couldn't focus on my studying for my I.T. tests. I just felt like I was going crazy, until I got away from me and helped someone else. There was a lady asking for directions and instead of just telling her where to go I showed her. After that I had no more problems. Didn't do as well as I would have liked on my computer tests but before I took them I had no anxiety and after I took them the world didn't end. All in all it was a good day. Spent some time with the wife and child. Didn't have to study. Now going to bed. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"The first rule of focus is this: "Wherever you are, be there."

Unknown Author