Thoughts of lives to come and lives “Thrown Away"

Woke up this morning and I was kinda tired. Went to bed late and had to get up early for a "birthing refresher" because we are having a son in February. So I drink some coffee, get dressed, and I say my morning prayers. Not at all religious just know there is something bigger than me. Anyway…. So during my prayer today I asked for help to make everything I do today benefit the world in some way. And that was a constant thought all day." Is what I am doing right now helping or hurting the world"? It's pretty amazing the things I did or didn't do. Flicked my cigarette on the ground (yes I'm a dirty smoker. Can't all be perfect) and then I picked it up and threw it away. And that's how the day started.

So my wife and I went into our class and learned about squatting and birthing balls and some techniques that weren't around when we had our first one. Most of the class though all I could do was think about Connor. Connor is the name of our son to be. I start thinking about how excited I am. I think about how in love with my daughter I am and I think about how much more love there is gonna be and I start to think that I don't deserve this. I have done so much shitty stuff to so many people how can I possibly deserve the family I have. I spent so much time thinking only of myself. Neglectful of my wife and daughter and every day I try to make up for it and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

So we finish with our class at the hospital and head down to my mother's storage unit to help out my kid sister go through all my mom's old stuff. Lots of stuff. Almost 30 years of stuff. My mother didn't want to get rid of anything. At one point she started crying and told us we were throwing away her life. My mother can be good with the guilt sometimes. So we made some runs to the dump and Goodwill, and went home to get ready for work. Before I leave the house for work I say another quick prayer asking for help to keep me thinking about the path I'm on, "change the world for the better". I have to pray before work all the time because in my line of work it is very easy to get hateful. And "if I'm being hateful I'm not being grateful". I am a server in a time when people want to go out to eat but don't want to spend money. My night went surprisingly well. Until the end of the night. Not that what happened was bad but I should have thought about what I said before I said it. I happened to overhear a man at another server's table explaining to his daughter about how heat escapes through her head and I offered a simple experiment they could try at home to see how heat rises. They say thank you. I say no problem and keep on walking, but for some reason on the way back through I told them that I used to be an elementary teacher. WTF???????? Why did I do that?????? I know exactly why. I wanted them to see me for something more than I am. I realized what I was doing and steered the conversation back around to the truth and told them to have a good night. I still have so much work to do on myself. Hopefully I can gain the maturity of a 12 year old by this time next year. 'Nite y'all

"I do myself a greater injury in lying than I do him of whom I tell a lie."

Michel Eyquem de Montaigne