Lego my Ego

Steelers lost! I am a little upset. They did a lot better than I expected seeing how half the starters were out. But hey Pittsburgh has 6 rings. What other team can say that?

So other than my team losing today was a pretty good day. Today I thought a lot about humility. I was reminded how often I think of myself. Not as much as I used to. I now know it's not all about me but I am turned inwards sometimes when I should be seeing the bigger picture. Humility ties in with my whole "change the world" project. The only way I will start to change the world is to be of service to others. To lend a hand to someone who needs help or to give a hug to anyone who might need one. There are many ways that I can be helpful. I just need to be aware and in the moment and be ready when a situation presents itself. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"To become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them."

Marleen · Charles de Montesquieu

3rd generation-coming soon

Okay so it is 12:15. I say that it is still today til I go to sleep.

So today didn't do much again. Just hung out around the house. Think I need to take a more proactive role in this whole "change the world" thing. At least I didn't hurt the world though.

So I thought a lot about the son I am going to have in a couple months. My wife came home with about 4 or 5 boxes filled with little boy clothes. It is just really starting to get real. I remember all the time I spent with my princess after she was born. To think that I get to do it all over again makes me so happy. I wish my father could be here to see the family I have. I miss him and sometimes I look at my daughter and think about how much fun he would have had with her. I'd like to think he's looking down and seeing it all. Who knows? 'Nite Y'all.

 

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was"

Anne Sexton

You got served

Today was a day. Woke up to my daughter freaking out because my wife wasn't home. I told her she could go potty with momma not home. She did. Wifey left at 4:30am to go shopping. Black Friday deals. Spend the same amount of money and just get more stuff. Do we "Need" it? Debatable, but now we have it. So I pick up a shift at work and go in expecting to have a pretty slow day. It was slow. Got some homework done. The few tables I did have today were great. Every single one of them asked me how I was doing. That never happens. Even more amazing was how many people told me thank you for the great service. There is nothing better than receiving acknowledgment for helping someone have a better day. Constantly amazed how service to others makes me feel so good. Sorry nothing to exciting today. Maybe tomorrow. 'Nite Y'all.

 

 

"If I have been of service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essence of ultimate good, if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at peace with myself, it has been a successful day"

Alex Noble

Grati-thanx-itude

Today is a great day. In recent months I have learned to be gratefull and give thanks everyday, but there is something about this day. Maybe it is knowing that most of the people in this country are thinking about what they take for granted all year long. Maybe everyone is hyper-sensitive about togetherness and family. Not really sure but I love it. So what am I thankful for? First I am thankful that I woke up this morning to The love of my life who is carrying the little brother of the most special little girl in the world. I am thankful that I have established an amazing relationship with my kid sister. I am thankful that my little brother and baby sister are happy and healthy. I am thankful to have a great connection to my extended family of in-laws. I am thankful for my fellowship family, who I know are there for me everday day of the year if I need them. I am thankful that I pulled myself through shame and wreckage to the place where I am today. I have friends, family, love, support, encouragement. And I have my life, which sometimes I feel I don't deserve but love with all my heart.

"We should just be thankful for being together. I think that's what they mean by 'Thanksgiving'. . ."

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Sorry about all the posts. Guess I have a lot to say tonight.

I remember being at work. I was in the middle of giving a dessert presentation at a table when my phone rang. Right there I answered my phone said "hello" and I heard the 5 words that would change my life forever…"I think my water broke."To think back to that moment now makes my heart swell. The racing home one the 237 trying to merge on to the 87 and going even faster were my thoughts. What will she look like, how long will it take, will I make a good father….will she like me? I get home and run in the house. I'm a little on the frantic side and there is my wife. Sitting there as calm as can be. She acted as if we were just running around the corner to the store. I'm acting like it's World War Three.We get to the hospital and get checked in. The nurses, who were amazing, were in and out. The doctors were in and out, and I remember the anesthesiologist was kind of creepy. After hours of waiting the time to push had come. All that day I had heard women up and down the hall screaming. I'm thinking, "okay, get ready to have your ears blown out." But my ears were fine. My wife's loudest noises were some grunts. I was in awe. Sure I can take a punch better than most, but what I witnessed was incredible. After hours of pushing the doctor says to my wife and me, "I can see the top of the head." I look and I see this dark black hair and this cues the first tear. Before that tear could drop though, I hear, "uh oh." I'm thinking what is "uh oh"? We find out that the baby is transverse and they have to, get this, push the baby back in. So it is decided that we are going to have to get a c-section.They wheel her to the operating room prepped and ready. I'm waiting in the hall for the doctor or nurse or whoever to come get me. Finally I'm escorted into the room in my gown and booties and stand behind the curtain with her head and the hand I'm holding the only visible part of her I see. Then there it is, Faint at first, then the most wonderful breath/scream/cry I have ever heard filled the room. She was here. The nurses cleaned her a little then they put her in my arms so I could walk her to get measured and weighed. As I was walking I knew that I had just become better. I had become more. All the hurt and joy and love and hate had all lead up to this point. I finally became ME. And I get to do it all over again in February.

"A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap"

Unknown

Gratitude

So I found out tonight about a person that died last week from H1N1. The main reason he died was because he was an Alcoholic with H1N1. The excessive drinking caused so much damage to his internal organs that his body couldn't produce the white blood cells to fight the virus. I am not sure how many know this but I had a pretty hard battle with alcohol, and sometimes I am still fighting it. I had told my wife "good thing I stopped when I did". That thought made me think about how truly lucky I am to have stopped when I did. My life is so full today. I have an amazing relationship with my family. I finally have real friends not just drinking buddies. I have a life now that I am proud of. Maybe some other day I'll tell you my whole story. 'Nite Y'all.

 

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

Denis Waitley

empurfict

So today ended up being a pretty good day. Started out with me not wanting to go to school, and not having to either, and going anyway. I went and ended up helping some people who needed help and getting some help that I needed. That's something that I have problems with sometimes. Asking for help. My damn pride just creeps up and I start to feel like I can do it all myself. I am used to thinking of myself as God. It's hard to accept that I am just a man. Accepting that I am fallible. That I don't know it all.

 

"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds."

Winston Churchill

#(@% this

Focus, focus, focus………. I really need to concentrate on what I am trying to accomplish. Why I am I going to school? What do I want to be when I grow up? Sometimes I get so frustrated when I can't understand something. I know the reason I am going to school is to learn but part of me thinks that this should come a little easier. I just ran into a problem in my IT book. I know that there is an error in the book but now I am trying to figure out why there is an error in the book. Once I get all worked up I start to slip into fuck it mode and I know where that will lead me. So how do I turn my focus back to the task at hand? Focus, prayer, meditation, jumping jacks…….. I'll get it together, just had to vent a little. Back to the books.

I <3 20%

So tonight I am trying to figure out what makes people so mean. I understand that most of us go to a sit down restaurant to be waited on, that why I do. But some people treat us servers like servants. How hard is it to say please and thank you? My daughter is 4 and she remembers most of the time. Sometimes I think people leave their brains in their car before they go into a restaurant. I don't know how many times I run through the fresh fish menu and preparations and the second I finish people are asking me hoe we prepare the fish. I mean, come on. How hard is it to pay attention to the person you are looking at?

Ok done venting. It does surprise me how inconsiderate people can be and how angry servers can get. Sometimes you would think that someone just kicked their dog. I try to put everything in perspective but some people just don't want to hear it. I can understand how frustrating it can be to get a $5 tip on a $100 tab but if you hang on to that anger you are just gonna carry it with you to the next table. I was actually told I was "too nice" nut it was said like you would tell someone they were an asshole. Oh well all I can do is "pause when agitated" and "do the next right thing". 'Nite Y'all

 

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.

Bill Gates

Change for a penny

So today was pretty uneventful. Woke up, stayed around the house until I went to school. When I got to school worked on some home work, went to class, and took a test. But after my class had a real good talk with a very good friend. Or topic of discussion was shitty thinking and awareness. Talk about reoccurring themes. Anyway he got me to thinking about how much I have actually change both my way of thinking and my patterns of behavior. Two and a half years ago this blog idea would have never came to pass. The last thing on my mind then was thinking about others unless it was thinking about what I could get from others. I'm not saying my journey is done. Far from it. But the fact that I am starting to understand what humility is amazing.

Another thing that is amazing is my daughter. I know I'm biased but my daughter is crazy smart. Yesterday she just decided to write her name backwards then did it. Just moved from last letter to first like she's been doing it for years. And today just started arranging crayons to spell her name. She blows me away sometimes.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

~Winnie the Pooh

losing focus

i need to remember to make sure i have "an attitude of gratitude". i keep letting myself get into negitive thinking and it puts me on a path that can only hurt the world.

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others"

Cicero

Picture Imperfect

So I had mentioned a couple days ago that I was helping to clear out my mother's storage unit. Well we found a bunch of old photos. Things seemed so great back then. I've been thinking a lot about how I ended up from there to here. Funny thing about pictures is that usually people are always smiling in them. Everything is perfect in a picture. You were never being called stupid while pictures were taken. There are not moments of anguish captured in time. Only joyful moments. How much I wish that that we could live in photos, but we get to live in this place called the real world. A place where we have to deal with our pasts and presents. Where we get to reflect on where we went wrong and how we fix our now.

Old pictures are great but I have to remember that I can't relive or change anything that happened before. So I am focused on today. And today I have a test. Pretty sure I'll do fine on it. Just might not get as high a score as I would like. I've found that I've turned into somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to school. I know that I'm not perfect but, man, do I strive for it. My teachers think I'm great. Always helping others and I have a firm grasp of the material. I've helped people in my class and seen that little light bulb go off and see their eyes light up. That is a great feeling when you help someone "get it".

 

"Look up and not down. Look forward and not back. Look out and not in, and lend a hand."

Edward Everett Hale

It’s Something I Guess

So today was an okay day. Went and watched the game with the wife and daughter. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings as we do almost every Sunday to watch the Steelers. The game sucked! I was pissed! Steelers lost to the EFFIN Chiefs. THE Chiefs! Oh well. We left after the 3^rd and came home. Everything else was pretty uneventful. Went to work. Was kinda slow came home.

When I got home I started working on so reviews for school. You know it is kinda weird being back in school after 15 years. When I graduated high school the last thing I ever wanted to do was go to school and now I am so excited. Im doing great in my classes and my teachers dig the energy im putting into it. When I was younger 4 more years seemed like an eternity, but now it seems like no time at all. Well I think I blabbed on about nothing long enough. 'Nite y'all.

 

"I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about."

Oscar Wilde 

Dream a little Dream

I guess I should let everyone know that I don't think very linearly. I can jump from thought to thought with no segway and it can get confusing so I apologize.

Planning a day filled with football and maybe even a few tattoos. I am a huge Steelers fan. I myself am not huge but my fanaticism for the Steelers is. As far as tattoos goes there are three I want right now. I am getting my daughter's name on the lower bicep of my right arm, angel wings and a halo on upper left arm and I am getting the word "Dream" on my ring finger. Dream is my wife. I know you are not supposed to tattoo a woman's name on yourself, but this woman has shown me so very important things like compassion, love, understanding and most of all forgiveness. She believes in me like no one ever has and she pushes me to follow my heart, and without her I would be lost.

So again today I will attempt to steer myself towards making this world a better place. Wish me luck.

 

 

"Show me a man with a tattoo and I'll show you a man with an interesting past."

Jack London

Thoughts of lives to come and lives “Thrown Away"

Woke up this morning and I was kinda tired. Went to bed late and had to get up early for a "birthing refresher" because we are having a son in February. So I drink some coffee, get dressed, and I say my morning prayers. Not at all religious just know there is something bigger than me. Anyway…. So during my prayer today I asked for help to make everything I do today benefit the world in some way. And that was a constant thought all day." Is what I am doing right now helping or hurting the world"? It's pretty amazing the things I did or didn't do. Flicked my cigarette on the ground (yes I'm a dirty smoker. Can't all be perfect) and then I picked it up and threw it away. And that's how the day started.

So my wife and I went into our class and learned about squatting and birthing balls and some techniques that weren't around when we had our first one. Most of the class though all I could do was think about Connor. Connor is the name of our son to be. I start thinking about how excited I am. I think about how in love with my daughter I am and I think about how much more love there is gonna be and I start to think that I don't deserve this. I have done so much shitty stuff to so many people how can I possibly deserve the family I have. I spent so much time thinking only of myself. Neglectful of my wife and daughter and every day I try to make up for it and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

So we finish with our class at the hospital and head down to my mother's storage unit to help out my kid sister go through all my mom's old stuff. Lots of stuff. Almost 30 years of stuff. My mother didn't want to get rid of anything. At one point she started crying and told us we were throwing away her life. My mother can be good with the guilt sometimes. So we made some runs to the dump and Goodwill, and went home to get ready for work. Before I leave the house for work I say another quick prayer asking for help to keep me thinking about the path I'm on, "change the world for the better". I have to pray before work all the time because in my line of work it is very easy to get hateful. And "if I'm being hateful I'm not being grateful". I am a server in a time when people want to go out to eat but don't want to spend money. My night went surprisingly well. Until the end of the night. Not that what happened was bad but I should have thought about what I said before I said it. I happened to overhear a man at another server's table explaining to his daughter about how heat escapes through her head and I offered a simple experiment they could try at home to see how heat rises. They say thank you. I say no problem and keep on walking, but for some reason on the way back through I told them that I used to be an elementary teacher. WTF???????? Why did I do that?????? I know exactly why. I wanted them to see me for something more than I am. I realized what I was doing and steered the conversation back around to the truth and told them to have a good night. I still have so much work to do on myself. Hopefully I can gain the maturity of a 12 year old by this time next year. 'Nite y'all

"I do myself a greater injury in lying than I do him of whom I tell a lie."

Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

The journey begins

So I will be attempting to write everyday. This may sound easy to most, but I am Mr. Non-Committal. I hope this blog will turn into a history lesson to show me how I am changing my life for the better. I started my journey 851 days ago and have grown quite a lot. What I want to do is become the best me I can be. The best husband, father, brother, son, Man I can be. i am going to set out to achieve one task everyday that can make the world better. Whether it be making someone smile or picking up some trash on the sidewalk. I hope that this will result positively in my life. So here I am ready to humble myself. Here goes.

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.”

Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.