You never see Superman sitting around with Kryptonite in his hand. Why? Because it would kill him. He doesn't think to himself, "I really wish I had some Kryptonite, right now." So why is it that when I start to get overwhelmed with life, I start wanting something that will destroy my life. I am blessed that I have the support I need as well as a simple set of spiritual tools the help me.
"The ancestor of every action is a thought."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
So I am sitting here thing about how people say that our time here is short. Life does happen rather quickly. Seems like yesterday that my daughter was born and here it is four years later and I have a son. When I look over my life I can remember times that flew by and others that dragged on. I watch my daughter play and she has no concept of time. The only thing that matters to her is whatever is going on "right now". I wish I could really grasp the perception of time. Now I go to the other end of the spectrum and I wonder how my Grandmother viewed time, especially at the end. When she died a few weeks ago, she was 96. That is almost three times my age. It seems as if that is the only constant in all of our lives. Whether we want to be or not, we are all slaves to time. 'Nite Y'all.
Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.
~John Archibald Wheeler
I used to idolize my father. I used to tell people that my father was God. Which gave me somewhat of a Jesus complex. I did not think I was God, just the son of. I used to put so much stock into what he said and how he acted. I was determined to follow in his footsteps in many ways. After he passed, I put all of my faith into myself. I figured I was all I need to set my life straight. One thing I had to learn the hard way is that putting your faith into people is a bad idea. Don't get me wrong. By all means you should have faith in people just don't put faith into them. The reason being – People Are Fallible. We make mistakes. If you must believe in something to guide your life, which would you choose- the one who made the roads or the one who drew the map. It doesn't necessarily have to be God or Allah or Yahweh or Krishna just believe in Good or mother nature or just doing the right thing. 'Night Y'all
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Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."
Buddha quotes
When I first started working at my job, a fellow employee asked me if I was straight or gay. I told them to guess and they guessed gay because I was so nice and gay guys are usually nicer than straight guys are. I thought that was funny. Now, as I look back to that moment two years ago I see a distant image of what I am now. Even more distant is the Me who used to be quite a ways back. It is amazing what one can accomplish when one starts to do away with selfishness and self-centeredness.
"Don't judge men's wealth or godliness by their Sunday appearance."
Benjamin Franklin quotes
I am tired. Tired. Tired. Had a long week. Work, school, new baby, daughter, wife, homework. This week hit me like a truck and I am going to get up in the morning and do it again. And to top it all off in two weeks I have two more classes starting. No rest for the reformed wicked either.
"Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working."
Unknown
I was looking out over the world this morning and everything looked beautiful. The trees, the grass, the street all looked amazing covered in snow, but so did the cars and the dumpster. It is weird how we can look at something filled with trash and think to our selves it is beautiful. Appearances are weird like that. Sometimes we only see things in the now. If we go and start removing the snow, we start to see the dirty diapers and discarded chicken bones. There was a time when I would walk around in new clothes with a freshly shaved head and face but if people were to strip me of my outward appearance they would see that I was nothing but trash. I looked good but everything that came out of my mouth was garbage. Hateful words and lies. I was a snow covered refuse pit. Now, although I am far from perfect, I am more like a dirty twenty-dollar bill. I might be dirty but I am worth something. I enjoy working on my inside. I just have to remember that if I am being hatful I am not being grateful. 'Nite Y'all.
"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearance, as though they were realities and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are"
Niccolo Machiavelli
Time is something that I am reminded of constantly. How much I need, how little I have, what I would do with more. Right now, I feel a little overwhelmed with everything I have going on and I am trying to figure it out. Full schedule at school. 25-30 hours a week of work, quality time with wife daughter and son. I try to remind myself why I am doing this. I try to focus on the long term goals. Sometimes it just all seems to be falling in on me. Accept, courage, wisdom…I need some effin serenity.
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once."
Albert Einstein
Last Wednesday we had a homework assignment to read an essay titled The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. It was an unbelievably moving a piece of writing and it was something I need to read at the time. I love when that happens. When something just falls in your lap at the perfect moments. Well our new assignment is to write a summary of the text. Unfortunately I have to keep opinion out of it. I must write this paper using nothing but facts. I am doing an okay job, and will still probably pull an "A" out of it, but damn, is it frustrating. Everything I have ever written has been soaked in either opinion or emotion. Even years ago when I was so detatched from the world and even detatched from my own life, I still wrote with passion. Sometimes school can be so frustrating. 'Nite Y'all.
"I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace."
Dalai Lama
Looking back on my life there was a lot I missed. I was there, but I was not always present. I kind of glided through life with blinders on. Never really paying attention. Now I appreciate every moment I feel every situation. I stay aware and in the moment and everything is wonderful. 'Nite Y'all.
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."
Frederick Keonig |
So tonight my wife and I are staying in the hospital with the baby. It is kind of weird being in this little 10x10 room that is just barley bigger than a jail cell. We have our own monitor that tracks his heart rate and oxygen saturation. O-Sat is just making sure his blood is getting enough oxygen. I am waiting for him to start getting cranky. He got a "trim" today. Circumcision is crazy when you think about it. I don't understand how people can get piercings "down there". Thank god he is young enough that he will never have to remember this. I can wait to take him home tomorrow. It has been a long, strange 37 days. It is one of the hardest situations I've had to deal with in a long time. Having a child and not being able to bring him home has been torture. Well that all ends tomorrow. If any of you could put your head on my chest you could hear my heart singing right now. I thought I felt complete when I had my daughter, but my son brings a new sense of fullness into my world that I just can't explain. My son. My Son. MY SON! Those words are just great. The only words greater are "MY Daughter and Son" 'Nite Y'all.
"One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be."
Unknown
"I'm the magnificent with a sensational style. And I can go on and on for like a mile a minute. 'Cause I get in it like a car and drive, and if the record is a smash I can still survive." I used to sing that repeatedly whenever I was feeling cocky. I can see my wife rolling her eyes at me in my head. I used to get cocky a lot. I did not THINK I was God's gift to the world, I WAS. I was a person that could do no wrong. I knew more than you knew. I was faster/stronger/better looking than everyone. I was as close to perfect as one could be. Except for the fact that I am not very fast. Not very strong. I think I am attractive to some, but you are not gonna see me on the cover of any fashion magazines. Though I might be kinda bright and I know a little about a lot, I am one of the stupidest people I know. Every day I find out more and more what I do not know. However, that is ok. It has taken me awhile to learn one important thing…I AM NOT BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I also realize, now, that no one is better than I am. Someone might have more experience at something than me, but they are not better. I may have encountered more than another, but I am no better. Sometimes it is hard, but I kinda like being just a man among men. 'Nite Y'all.
"If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up."
Deepak Chopra
For a while earlier, I was overwhelmed by fear, frustration, and sadness all at once. I was sitting on the couch studying when I realized how quiet it was. Quiet is not good when there is a four year old in the house. I get up to check on her and as I start to walk down the hall, I smell this strong smell and my heart sinks. I start freaking out immediately. When I walk into the bathroom, my daughter is standing there wiping of her forehead with wet toilet paper. She had been wiping her face with nail polish remover. Why, you might ask? It was because she had painted her face with nail polish. It is a little funny as I sit here typing this, but at the time I was panicking. I slowly started putting all the puzzle pieces together. First, I panicked that she was using the polish remover, and then as I looked at her face I thought she had burned her skin with it. I soon realized it was just nail polish. My heart was pounding and I act very rash and kinda raise my voice trying to explain how dangerous it was. Now, she is crying and I'm on the verge of tears and she says to me, "you make me said because you are making Connor not come home." This floored me it was all I could do to hold myself together. after a wile I calmed down and went to talk to her. I explained how she had scared me. it was a pretty emotional night. Can't wait to see how crazy it gets after my son comes home on Tuesday. 'Nite Y'all.
"We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic."
Cullen Hightower quotes
So I am doing this new thing at work. If I am feeling down or in a bad mood, I just give the first two tables amazing service. What this does is makes the people at the tables happy and in return they tell me how good I did which gives me the ego boost to try to make the following tables happy. It's been working well. Have been making great tips consistently and having more fun at work. Another thing is really talking to tables and genuinely caring about what they say. You find out some very interesting stuff. 'Nite Y'all
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.
~Voltaire
For so long I have tried to "fit" into things, situations, and other people's lives. I tried doing many different things to accomplish this. I have tried drinking, drugging, lying, giving stuff away, flattery, fighting, buying stuff…but none of it worked. What I finally did was stop trying. When I stopped trying so hard things start working out and It was easier to piece together the edges of the puzzle. Then, I started looking at my flaws and myself and before I knew it, I was half way done. Slowly I have been fitting in more of the pieces, like the ones I thought I lost of my wife, and daughter. Now with the birth of my son the picture is almost complete. It feels so good to finally belong. To be a part of something that I am helping put together. Cannot help but wonder what my kid's pictures will look like. 'Nite Y'all.
By building relations, we create a source of love and personal pride and belonging
That makes living in a chaotic world easier.
Susan Lieberman
It is amazing where you can get moments of complete calm. Was just watching an episode of Glee on my way to class. It was an episode with a musical performance by a deaf school. They were singing/signing "Imagine" by J. Lennon. It was amazing how simplicity can give you new perspective on difficult situations. Today has been an interesting day so far. I am in a great mood and feel completely at peace. Even though I woke up and started fighting with my daughter right from the start. Just gonna kick it and count my blessings today and keep adding to my mental gratitude list. I hope you all have a great day.
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Peace Pilgrim
So I had my first class of the term today. Went well. I was really excited for school to start. It just feels so good to have a purpose again. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and they give me a purpose, but this is different. It feels good to be bettering myself. I went astray for so long that it is nice to be doing something that is going to make me better. A better father, husband, man……Citizen. I have never been so motivated to finish something. I am done with false starts. At least I hope I am. 'Nite Y'all.
"Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire."
William Butler Yeats
It was a tough day today. Wasn't in the best of moods. Just felt like the world was against me today. Like everything was just left of center. Just feel like I've been in this crazy funk lately. Yesterday I just said Eff the world and today I felt like everyone was out to get me. Or I felt that everyone in this world is unworthy. Just when I thought I was over everything the smallest little thing just pushed me over the edge. I just need to give it up so I don't have to carry this shit any more. Damn I am glad I get to start from scratch tomorrow.
"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."
Morgan, John Pierpont
Lately I have seen some pretty amazing stuff. One of these things is I have seen a group of co-workers come together and help out their own. The out pouring of money and support is something I would never have expected from this group of people. They make me proud to be one of them. I think the main reason is who they were helping. This fellow employee is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She is truly blessed to be filled with so much love. And I know she will forever be protected by a very special angel. Another great thing that happened today was- my family got a helping hand. In a time where we are kind of hurting financially we got some help from an unexpected place. I would like to think we have at least one special little "Angel" looking out for us as well. This world can be pretty wonderful when it wants to be. 'Nite Y'all.
"Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses"
Confucius
I used to be a people pleaser. I used to do whatever people asked of me (except for the people who I should have been doing stuff for). I needed to be accepted. I wanted people to like me. Now I have realized that whether or not people like me or not isn't up to me. I have no say in how people perceive me. All I can do is be myself and do what I think is right. Now I can say no. and I know that if I don't want to do something I don't have to. It is very liberating to say no sometimes. It is nice to be able to stand my ground and not compromise myself. 'Nite Y'all.
"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."
~Raymond Hull
So I tried to live my life with some humility today. Didn't go very well. At work I found myself not giving a damn. I just didn't want to play anymore. I just wanted to go home and lose myself in a movie or in a TV show. I have been starting to feel very overwhelmed lately. I just feel at times it is all just starting to be too much.
"Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world."
Helen Keller
I woke up today to a text informing me that my Grandmother passed away this morning. It floored me. everyone knew it would happen soon, but I still couldn't believe it. She was born in 1913. She died at 96. That is 2.75ish of my life times. I look back over the years and I can't help but think of how this woman influenced my life, or should have. I remember my Granny (as my kid sis calls her) being the very definition of humility. She almost seemed incapable of anger. Don't get me wrong she could get very frustrated and when she did she had this scowl that I can see if I close my eyes. Most importantly, she marked the lives of everyone she came in contact with. I just got a message on facebook from someone I went to high school with 16 years ago. He told me he remembered my grandmother coming to speak to our history class. My circumstances maybe a little different, but how many things do you remember that involve you being in class. I don't remember anything outside of drama, communication skills and art. I grew up with a woman who was friends with both Eleanor Roosevelt and Troy Aikman. A woman who could say "please", "thank you" and "you're welcome" in almost all languages. She was born in this country and then locked away in an internment camp and the only thing bitter about her was some of the foods she ate. She was truly a testament to America and finding the American Dream.
The quote I am going to end with tonight is one from my G-Ma. This quote reminds me that now matter what the situation I should try to always see and hope for the goodness of people. 'Nite Y'all.
"War is what I'm mad at. People have been wonderful."
Satoye Ruth Hashimoto
So this morning one of the first things that happened was I walked into my daughter's room and saw her sitting on her bed with a pair of scissors and a hand mirror. My first thought was "Oh, shit, she cut her hair" but then I just saw that it was messy because we didn't dry it very well last night after her bath and she just slept on it wet. So I take away the scissors and talk to her about always asking an adult before she tries to cut something. About 45 minutes later I hear my wife get mad. I jump up and run to my daughters room where my wife is sitting with a little chunk of hair. Little had cut her hair. So we make her go throw it away. I walk into the bathroom and there is more hair on the counter, I look down and there is more hair in the toilet, I look left and there is MORE hair in the trash. Not only did she cut her hair but she seemed to do it every three steps. This whole time we are trying to be stern and reprimand our daughter but I have to keep walking out of the room so the little girl doesn't see me laughing.
I carried the morning's events with me throughout the day. I was thinking about how much that situation is like life. Things happen that can make you mad. You must find a way to resolve the issue. You realize that with time it will all work out (or grow back). And lastly, sometimes you just have to laugh about it. Little did I know I would soon be putting this new found wisdom to use.
Our "After the Baby-Baby Shower" was today. Wife and I get there early to get things ready and while I was chopping some veggies I got some news that upset me quite a bit. All at once 35 years of pent-up frustration all boiled to the top and I flew off the handle. Threw my phone as hard as I could at the floor and took off. Now, I am no stranger to taking off. I was, in the past, actually a sponsorship deal away from becoming a professional "Storm-er Off-er". As I am walking I start to repeat the "Serenity" Prayer over and over and over. And as I get about two blocks away I come to the park, sit down on a bench, light a second cigarette and realize that this is a situation that I cannot fix. All I can fix is myself. And in that moment I had the wisdom to know the difference. As I sat there all kinds of things went through my head. Where I ended up was doing the opposite of what I would have done three years ago-I walked back to the house, finished chopping veggies, welcomed or guests and became evolved with the party. I had a great time. Laughs were had. Good times by all. I am blessed to have had such great tools given to me. And I am blessed to have a daughter how gives me such great wisdom. 'Nite Y'all.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
~Franklin P. Jones
So lately I have wondered why there are so many ups and downs in my life recently. And tonight while read my daughter her bed time story I was remind that the reason I have lows is so that I can really appreciate the highs. Things won't always go my way but as long as I am aware and in the moment I'll be ok. So my quote tonight is the entire Dr. Seuss story "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" it is my favorite book and has been for over a quarter century. ENJOY!!
Oh, the Places You'll Go!
by
Dr. Seuss
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on y our way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
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